My Plan to Dominate the Music Industry
Written by Tom Z Saturday, 31 July 2010 16:11
Becoming an international music sensation is tough. Few acts can pull off the feat with talent alone. That’s why you see things like Katy Perry flashing her breasts or Lady Gaga pretending not to have male genitalia or tons of young musicians trying to be the next Free Credit Report spokesband. They know that they need to do something beyond just playing songs in order to be noticed. Oh sure, you can break through based solely on talent, but that’s extremely rare. For every Radiohead there are 80,000 KISSes; for every Notorious B.I.G. a million Soulja Boys.
But there is one way to greatly increase your chances of success, and it’s something that few of the posturing young wanna-be’s in the music industry have picked up on. That is to sing about a specific place. Whether it’s Tupac’s “California Love,” Jay-Z’s “Empire State of Mind,” or even Katy Perry’s “Waking Up In Vegas,” songs about places have been monstrously successfully throughout the ages. People have a certain pride not only about their hometown, but also about places that are near and dear to their heart. You may live in Norwalk, Connecticut, but that doesn’t mean you can’t feel a sense of hometown pride when Jay-Z raps about the New York Yankees. Hell, you could live in Iowa, but when Weezer sings about living the high life in Beverly Hills, your inner movie star is awakened and you feel like the song is speaking to you personally. And we don’t even need to get into country songs. Based on listening to music you’d think Nashville was Mecca, not just some place where rednecks drink PBR and do choreographed dances while wearing rattlesnake ties.
But sadly, most songs written about cities are written about MAJOR cities. And that’s where I come in. My plan is to record a bunch of songs about America’s mediocre-to-crappy locations, and then make a killing by selling those songs to the residents of whatever city each song happens to be about.
Take a look at how many songs have been written about New York City. Or check out the myriad songs written about Los Angeles or Las Vegas. America’s major cities have all seen their share of ballads. But what about this great nation’s lesser cities? Nobody’s writing songs about Lincoln, Nebraska. No artists care enough to dedicate a power ballad to Tuscaloosa, Alabama. Who will write a song for Binghamton, New York?
I will.
By writing a ton of generic songs about Butte, Montana or Flagstaff, Arizona, I will capitalize off of people’s local pride and everyone’s deep desire to be mentioned in lyrical form. I’ll rise to the top of the music industry by championing Pierre, North Dakota and by praising Sheboygan, Wisconsin.
I know what you’re thinking: Nobody gives a fuck about Wisconsin. And while you are correct in the macro sense, you’re also totally wrong in the micro sense. If there was a song called “Sheboygan Wisconsin is the Best Place Ever,” everybody in Sheboygan, Wisconsin would download that fucking song. I’m assuming people in Wisconsin have learned how to download music. It’s 2010. They must know how to download music, right? Yeah, anyway, this is going to make me rich.
Everything has become splintered since the rise of the Internet. Whether it’s TV, music or movies… there are fewer and fewer smash hits and more and more cult favorites. You take away Barack Obama, Lady Gaga and xenophobia, and it’s hard to find anything that all Americans collectively share. These days it’s much better to have a small legion of devoted followers than a semi-large audience of indifferent kids with ADHD. That’s why my plan is so genius. I’ll simultaneously create thousands of small cult followings for my songs about crappy… I mean, under appreciated cities. People in Albuquerque, New Mexico will rock out to my power ballad “I Can’t Spell Albuquerque (But That Don’t Mean I Don’t Love It)” while folks in Baton Rouge, Louisiana sway along with my acoustic jam “Hey Baton Rouge, I’m Sure You’re Cool But I Honestly Don’t Know A Single Thing About Your City So I’m Just Going To Say ‘Baton Rouge’ and ‘Yeah’ A Lot.” I mean, if Beyonce can sing about her “single girls” when she’s been married for years, then why can’t I sing about the grandiose beauty of a bunch of shitty towns I would never visit in my life?
You loved it when Big and Rich were coming to your city… well I’m coming to your city, playing a crappy power ballad about your city, taking a bunch of money from your city, and then leaving your city for someplace cooler. What’s not to love? You get to feel good about yourself, I get to become rich and famous, and… well… I guess that’s it. So give me your money, small-town assholes, and I’ll see you in hell. By which I mean your city, on my world tour.