Return of the RCS

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Category: The RCS

Published on Sunday, 11 December 2011 03:55

Written by Tom Z

[Editor's note: This was originally posted on 12/17/10.]

 

It’s been a long time, folks.  When we last left the RCS, it was late 2006 and although it seemed that one competitor had a lead on the pack, no one was really that close to winning the championship.  Well, a lot can change in 4 years.  We’ve got a new President, Tiger Woods and Brett Favre went from public heroes to national disgraces, and Facebook replaced MySpace as the super-popular website that is supposedly for reconnecting with lost friends but in reality is the place where d-bags go to promote nightclubs.  Also, using the word d-bag is no longer cool.

Oh, and there’s life.   If you’re under 25 years old, you can’t possibly understand the drastic life changes that occur during a person’s late 20s.  In just a few short years, almost everything about your life will change.  Marriage, kids, careers, mortgages…  plus a bunch of other stuff that drags you from the mountain of awesomeness into the valley of lame-icity.

Anyway, I felt it was time for a life update.  While – SPOILER ALERT!! – the RCS has long been over, the LCS (Life Championship Series) is a competition that never ends.

Without further ado, here are the standings:

 

THE TZ POLL

 

The Married Division

 

1) Hones – I remember the day well.  Actually it was nighttime, July 2007.  I was in a Brooklyn apartment.  It belonged to a friend of mine.  She was a girl, but she was not part of the RCS.   And we were about to catch a 6AM flight to Key West for a non-RCS wedding.  That’s when I got a text message from Hones:  “The  RCS is over.”  Simple and to the point.  Nevermind the fact this kid is supposed to be one of my best friends and he lets me know about his engagement via text message.  “Oh, look at me, I just got engaged and I want to spend time with my future wife, I don’t have time to call my high school friends and fill them in on the details.”  What a dick.  Anyway, Hones has gone on to quite the life.  He recently upgraded to his second home in Syracuse, a beautiful 5-room palace that most likely costs the same as an outhouse in NYC.   And I’m proud to announce that Hones and Colleen (v1.0) are proud winners of the KCS as well.  Little Plaxico Hones will be born in the spring.  By the way that’s not actually its name, they’re doing that thing where they don’t tell anyone what the name is, so I’m just going to alternate names of African-American New York Giants players until the kid is born.  Yes, life is good in the Hones family.  He has won the RCS, the KCS, and he leads the LCS in every category imaginable. 

 

2) Jorge – Jorge and Janice were married in 2009, in a beautiful ceremony witnessed by a diverse crowd.  Actually the only diversity was Jorge’s family and my Asian girlfriend, who Jorge’s mom thought was Hispanic (she congratulated me for finding “one of us”).  Jorge and Janice also moved from freezing cold and congested Boston, home of many meatheads and racists, to slightly less freezing and congested Providence, home of Pauly D.  Janice has an incredible job at senior-college Brown University, while Jorge makes his money as a lawyer in Worchester, MA.  They’re like a 10:00 NBC drama come to life, except in this show the Hispanic guy doesn’t die in the first 10 minutes.  As you can see, things are going great for Mr. West Genesee.  And as a soon-to-be 30-year old Hispanic man, he’s beaten the over/under of 9.5 kids, with a current score of zero.  I can’t think of any more Hispanic jokes so let’s move on…

 

4) Keida – If you can’t make fun of your friends, who can you make fun of?  Keida.  Actually, I’ve got nothing but praise for the Hoopster, who recently was married to Colleen (v2.0) in the fall of 2010.  Keida has risen from the shadow of Lord Dale Keida, King of Broadmoor, and now has his own family to not worry about (Keida’s luck is too good, he doesn’t need to worry about anything).  Keida also made the defiant decision to move to Atlanta, baffling the doubters who believed he would be back in Syracuse by 2008 at the latest.  Keida is living proof that you can’t take anything for granted.

 

The Non-Married Division

 

5) Burns – I’ll be honest.  I have no idea what Burns was doing when the last RCS was written.  Was he working at Wagner College?  Had he moved on to Binghamton?  Was he already at UMass?  Was it during his brief stint as a fluffer for the lacrosse-themed porn website CradleMyShaft.com?  Oh sure I could look that up, but hey, this is the internet, I don’t need to look up “facts” before I try to explain something.  Either way, Burns is now the assistant coach of UMass lacrosse, a prestigious job that requires no fluffing whatsoever.  And he’s dating.  Becky is a very young, very beautiful, very young lady who trapped Burns’ heart, picked it up like a ground ball, got to X with it, looked for a cutting attackman, and eventually took it in for a wrap-around goal.  Are you tired of lacrosse analogies yet?  I know I am.  Lacrosse:  The sport that’s about to become huge since 1761.  The only game that’s been around longer is love.  And now Burns has both.  Could a proposal be on the horizon?  Stay tuned…

 

(It’s just not that suspenseful when 4 people are already married, is it?  Ooh, who will come in 5^th place?  It’s like watching the NIT and trying to care about Marist College vs. Loyola.)

 

6) Tom Z – Jeff Buckley had “Grace.”  U2 had “Grace.”  And now, like all the great legends, I have my own Grace.  Actually I think those are the only two with a song named “Grace.”  Also I hate U2.  Regardless, my girlfriend of 2 years now (Editor’s note:  Jesus …) has been the one steady presence in an otherwise ever-changing life.  When we last left you, I was living in Norwalk, CT.  I’ve since moved to Stamford, then to Hartford, and then on to West Hartford.  In 2006 I was working a boring job at a marketing firm.  Then, right around the time the RCS wrapped up, I got my dream job working as a music writer for a website!  Then that website turned from a “music” site into an “emo” site.  Then it turned into a site that sell ringtones.  Then I got laid off!  Then I was unemployed for 4 months, which uncoincidentally were 4 of the best months of my life.  It was at that point when I realized the only true dream job is no job.  Then I got a new job which sent me to Upstate Connecticut, where I currently reside, work on websites and bide my time before I can win the lotto and/or become a househusband.  It’s been a crazy ride indeed.  Also I got an iphone.   It’s pretty nice.

 

7) Debo – Debo is now an official dentist, and although he’ll be paying off student loans until 2071, it’s nice to have a real job.  He’s also got a lovely girlfriend named Robyn, with a y, like the Swedish pop singer from the ‘90s.  I don’t think she’s a Swedish pop star though.  She’s like a teacher or something.  Either way she’s out doing something, it’s not like she’s watching Oprah all day.  Debo moved back to Syracuse a couple years ago to be closer to family, and since then he’s become a fixture on the Cuse social scene, and is poised to take over Hones’ unofficial title of “Mayor of Cuse” after Hones has his baby and becomes totally lame.  Yes, things are going great for Debo.  It’s nice to see.  Debo’s one of the nicest guys I know, and he’s the hardest-working person I’ve ever met.  He’s a great friend and a better person than me in every way imaginable.  He should definitely be ranked ahead of me.  But I didn’t go to grad school and I’ve been going out with my girlfriend for longer, so check out the scoreboard and suck it bitch!

 

8a) Dan P
8b) Spills

 

At this point there’s no way to distinguish between these two in the poll.  They’ve been up to some things but most of them are not suitable for print.  Dan and Spills both moved back to Syracuse due to unforeseen circumstances.  Spills is currently searching for a job in teaching and/or lacrosse, and I’m pretty sure Dan’s future career plan involves PokerStars.com and Oklahoma covering the spread in the Fiesta Bowl.  It should be noted that Dan P makes more money at online gambling than me in my real job, so who’s the sucker now?  Actually things aren’t bad for Dan and Spills.  They get to hang out together and watch sports, plus they go to like 90 concerts a year.  I don’t know about the RCS, but in the Life Championship Series I’d say they’re faring pretty well.

 

AND FINALLY,

 

3) Chima – I’m sorry to post this one out of order but our man Chima has always been at the end of the list and I feel like the only way to properly honor him is to place him here again.  Consider it saving the best for last.  Chima is married.  Let me repeat that.  CHIMA IS MARRIED.  We’ve made many “Chima is gay” jokes over the years -- 107,845 by my count -- but now there’s only one guy Chima wants, and that guy is a girl, and her name is Rebecca.  I’ve only met her a couple times, she seems nice, and that’s all I got.  Chima has a wife.  I’ve seen a lot of things change in my 30 years on this planet.  Notre Dame went from a football powerhouse to a laughingstock.  We elected a black President.  Screech from “Saved By the Bell” made a porno.  But none of those changes can come close to Chima’s transformation from Screech-esque comedic foil to Zach Morris-esque leading man.  He also lives in Rochester and has a good job (I think he sells those body scanners that show your dong to airport security). Here we are, in 2010, and those of us who joked for years and years are left in Chima’s dust as he races through life and the RCS in his new BMW.  Oh yes.  You couldn’t have planned it.  You definitely couldn’t have predicted it.  But that’s the thing about life and change.  Anything can happen.  A troubled soul can change the path they’re on.  An underachiever can get a great job.  A loner can find true love.  A guy can write a joke poll about his friends’ non-existent relationships, and a few years later 80% of them can have serious girlfriends.  And if you look hard enough, you can even find a girl who is willing to marry Chima.  Life sure is crazy sometimes.

 

The RCS

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Category: The RCS

Published on Sunday, 11 December 2011 03:48

Written by Tom Z

[Editor's note: This is the original RCS poll, which began in May 2006 and ended in March 2007.  If you've never read the RCS before, the first paragraph below explains what it's about. Then, the standings below appear in reverse order, so after reading the introduction, you may want to start from the bottom and work up.]

 

THE OFFICIAL RCS STANDINGS

 

In the tradition of the college football Bowl Championship Series, otherwise known as the BCS, I present to you…    the RCS.  The RCS, or Ring Championship Series, takes 8 of my closest friends from high school and asks one burning question:  who will be the first to propose?  The rules are simple.  First one to break out the ring wins.  Or loses, depending on your perspective.  RCS standings will be updated bi-weekly.  Votes and standings will be determined by a panel of judges, including (but not limited to) myself and Spills.

“Ring Watch 2006″ is on…

 

 

RCS Standings Week 12 (3/6/07)

Hi Everyone.  Tom Z here.  Because of my new job and other life activities, I haven’t been able to write a new RCS update since December.  And…  that trend continues today.  However, Spills did send me his RCS about two weeks ago, so I didn’t want it to sit around any longer when it’s become pretty clear I won’t be writing anything any time soon.  Here is the latest Spills poll.

 

THE SPILLS POLL

Fellas? Fellas? Ok, so it’s been 2 months since the last RCS poll, but
although I don’t really have a life, I have been relatively busy. I haven’t
talked to many competitors recently either, so this shit is all made up. I
reserve the right to lie about anyone in this competition in order to make,
at least, myself laugh. Also, now that Tom Z has a new (awesome) job, we
haven’t had a chance to coordinate a new poll. But, alas, we have decided to
get back into it. Without further ado…

1) Hones: Still sitting pretty at the top spot. This was never in any doubt
as we all know. Although if he doesn’t make some moves soon, Colleen could
put some serious pressure on him, which could lead to either a ring or a
kick to the curb. And for the record, I am putting my money on the ring. I
just don’t see this lasting too much longer. If she has a birthday anytime
in the next few months, this competition is over.

2) Jorge: Haven’t talked to Jorge since Thanksgiving, but I assume he is
still the incumbent #2. Although we all joke about Keida being the one who
would win this if there was money involved, please do not underestimate the
power of money when it comes to…

[Ed Note:  Sorry Spills, I can’t print the rest of what you wrote here]

3) Debo: Why not? One semester closer to finishing dental school means he’s
only getting closer to settling down and marrying a much-too-hot-for-him
gold digging whore. Congrats Debo, and if she has a sister, hook a brother
up.

4) Tom Z: New job…check. Cool boss…check. Same inappropriate Tom Z
jokes…check. Come on ladies, this kid is a catch. I will hopefully know
more about Z’s situation after hanging out with him next weekend. We be
sippin’ Cris in the hot tub with bitches…or all guys…either way, we get
to hang out in his parent’s hot tub.

5) Dan P: The only remaining logical move. I have absolutely no idea what
Dan has been up to, but I do know this…he is definitely closer than the
remaining competitors. I mean, seriously, how do we see Dan P over
Thanksgiving and Christmas, then NO ONE talks to him again for about 4
months?

6) Keida: Since I decided to skip the National Lax Convention in Philly last
month, I have no idea what Keida is up to. This just crushed me. I really
was looking forward to completely ruining his relationship with the other
Colleen in only 3 days time. I think I could have done it too. Oh well, may
they be blessed with the pitter-patter of footsteps of the baldest kids ever
conceived.

7) Burns: It’s lacrosse season, so I assume Buns is out of commission for a
few months, but I would not put anything past the male Paris Hilton (minus
sex tapes…I hope). After the move to yet another new state, I assume our
beloved serial-dater will now start working his way through Amherst and,
eventually, west to Boston.

8) Spills: I have nothing clever to add here except this…I did hook up
with a rather large, unattractive chick about 2 weeks ago. Self-esteem was
low, drunkeness was high, shockers were thrown…about par for the course
really. Good times had by noone.

9) Chima: Baby Bin Laden remains in the basement for yet another week. It
very well may turn out that John (Ameche) Chima has some important news for
us in the near future. And just for the record, did he ever find out where
“it” was? That was a classic running joke for a long time, but I have never
been told if that sacred quest was ever fullfilled in college. Any help on
this?

Well, that’s all I have for this week. Hopefully we can get this back to
full-time status soon, and again, if any other competitors want to submit a
poll, please do so. Also, be on the lookout for shoutmouth.com it should be
classic Tom Z Show material…only it deals with music. But don’t worry
fellas, there will be AIDS and Abortion jokes running rampant throughout his
posts.

RCS Standings Week 11  (12/13/06)

 

THE SPILLS POLL

I’m baaaaaaack! That’s right bitches, it’s time for another RCS showdown, and since Thanksgiving has come and gone, with Christmas on the horizon, I wanted to doll this shit up for you. Not only did I get to see everyone over Thanksgiving, but I also had a chance to get some inside information and some not-so-inside information (aka, stuff I just made up). Although I pride myself on being relatively honest in these polls, I thought that I would take the opportunity this week to wish you all a Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, and a Festive Kwanzaa….and a Festivus for the rest of us. I would also like to share with you my Holiday shopping list for you all. Without further ado…..

1) Hones: For Hones I am going to buy him booze. You see, I know this is not a very creative gift, but when you’re sitting at the top all alone, it would be nice to have something to do…like drink. Plus, I figure that he has this thing wrapped up, and with no offense to Colleen, there’s nothing a married man needs more than booze…you know, to drown out the background noise from the wifey. So, Merry Christmas Hones, and enjoy the Guinness.

2) Jorge: You know, I wasn’t going to put Jorge at #2 this week, because after reading the brief, but informative Debo poll, I think that he does have a better chance at winning the baby’s mama poll than the RCS, but I still have to keep him up here. And for that, I am buying Jorge a lifetime supply of metal coat hangers for Christmas….you know, just in case.

3) Dan P: Like I said, there needs to be some changes in this poll. I decided to put Dan P at #3 for this week’s poll, because I think that there might be a chance that he could be forced to marry some chick because he lost a shitload of money to her Dad in some poker tournament. This could happen, and knowing how weak the competition is below him in this poll, why not? I was going to buy him a subscription to Bluff Magazine for Christmas, but since I found out he has one already, I decided that I am going to get him something else instead. What is that you may ask? Well, I’ve thought long and hard about this, and I decided to get him Keith Moon’s ashes. That’s right my friends, I am going to dig up the body of Keith Moon, cremate him, and give Dan P his ashes. I know that this sounds like a strange gift, but let me tell you, Dan is reading this right now and probably nodding his head in agreement.

4) Tom Z: Now I know that some things have been said in this poll that have been seen as slanderous towards Tom Z, but in no means was that a blatant cheap shot against Tom Z. Yes, I did compare him to a few really bad football players, and yes, I have made some comments about him moving out of NYC, but I have since re-thought my position on these things. Tom Z is not like David Patten, because Tom Z is white. He is also not like Jake Plummer, because Jake the Snake has a gay pron mustache, and Tom Z is not gay….and I don’t know if he can grow a mustache. But that is neither here nor there. Tom Z sits pretty strong at #4 this week, with a very good chance to crack the top 3 by the next poll. For these reasons, I am buying Tom Z some luck this Christmas. I know that you are all thinking that you can’t buy luck, but I have researched this extensively, and in fact, I have found where I can do this. I can’t tell you where I found it, or how I can hand it to him with a ribbon on it, but I can definitively say that I have bought him luck. If his luck does not change by March 1st, 2007, he gets a full refund, and can kick me once in the nuts.

5) Debo: Contrary to what Debo wrote in his own poll, he is not gay. I don’t think he’s gay. I mean, I’m a good looking guy and he’s never tried to put the moves on me. Nope, I’m sure of it. He’s not gay. He is actually awesome. And straight. And sitting at the #5 spot this week. I think I am going to buy Debo a Tamba Hali jersey for Christmas, because he has stayed a fan of the Chiefs for a long time now, and since Tamba Hali is a former Penn State player, and not as well-known as Larry Johnson, I feel like this is a perfect Debo-esque gift. Better than an Eddie Kennison jersey at least.

6) Keida: Moving down the polls quickly. Why, you may ask? Well that’s simple. I know what’s going to happen in the future. I have looked into Keida’s future and I have seen that Colleen will, in fact, break up with him. Sooner than people may think. He won’t even see it coming. It will catch him off guard and crush him. That’s why I am going to buy Keida a new set of dishes. Odd gift, huh? Well, the way I see it, once this break-up happens, Keida will end up moving back to Camillus, and what better housewarming gift to celebrate the move to Clark Lane than new dishes? See, I’m a smart guy.

7) Spills: Making his way back down the polls. Spills managed to surprise a lot of people by sneaking up to the top half of the polls earlier this year, but I’m afraid that he has been banished back to where he belongs. Who were we kidding moving him up in the polls? There was no way humanly possible that he would even challenge anyone in the top 5 or 6. That’s why I am buying myself a lap dance. No real surprise there, I’m sure, but that’s all I want for Christmas. Who’s coming with me?

8) Burns: He’s been a bit of a disappointment this RCS season. Here’s a kid who has dated more than 300 girls in his life, but since the start of the RCS he hasn’t had any. I know Burns will bounce back. He’s got to. He has a hot tub at his new house. That’s got to count for something. But, until I hear some stories about drunken nights with young college girls in the hot tub, I cannot justify moving him up. Soon enough though…I hope. For these reasons, I am buying Burns cheap champagne for Christmas. Since I can’t afford Cristal, I will buy Burns 3 bottles of $5/bottle champagne for his hot tub.

9) Chima: Sometimes I feel bad keeping Chima all the way down here at the bottom of the RCS, but then after hanging out with him over Thanksgiving, I feel like this is totally justified. What I think I am buying Chima for Christmas is an inhaler. I feel as though one of these days he is just going to stop breathing. He talks so fast, for so long, that I think that there is no way that his lungs can take that kind of beating his whole life. Seriously, he discussed 57 topics in one breath in less than 5 minutes. Granted each of these topics have to do with Kobe, Tiger, the 49ers and Gerry McNamara. I’m telling you, this could be the greatest and most important gift he ever receives.

That’s all I have this week fellas. Hopefully, some of you will submit your own polls in the coming weeks. I think that the Hones and Debo polls were great and I would love to see more. For example, Burns can write a poll and talk about how I hooked up with his brother’s semi-girlfriend. That’s the type of stuff that needs to be in discussion here people. Anyways, I just wanted to add that there is also a very good chance that I will win this whole RCS by default, because apparantly, you are all gay and don’t like looking at naked ladies, otherwise we would have been to the Alpine over Thanksgiving, like we all agreed upon. Christmas Break….no exceptions and no excuses. Peace!

 

THE TZ POLL

 

Hi Everyone.  Tom Z here.  It’s Christmas time, and that magical holiday has consumed pretty much everything for the past couple weeks.  Unfortunately Spillett already did a Christmas-themed RCS.  And since a New Years theme is way too obvious, I’d like to try something brand new…

THE KCS

That’s right…   Move over RCS…   It’s the Kid Championship Series. 

Marriage is tough.  It requires commitment, endurance, and most of all, an undying love fostered throughout long periods of time.  And that sucks.  The 3 people in this poll with girlfriends have started this marathon with a 23 mile lead on the rest of us.  It’s just not fair.

But wait!  While love and marriage requires an intense time commitment, it’s much much easier to have a kid.  All you gotta do is throw back a few shots of Jager, find a young lady, and throw caution to the wind.  Next thing you know, BAM, she’s knocked up.

Which of the RCS contestants is most likely to slip up and have an unplan…   I mean…   little bundle of miracles?

Let’s change things up for a week.  I present to you, The KCS…
1) Dan P – When I proposed the idea for a KCS, Dan actually asked to be placed at #1.  He even gave me some evidence to support his cause, which I prefer not to repeat.  Why he would request such an “honor,” I have no idea.  But I’m all for granting wishes.  I just hope this ranking works as a jinx, because now I’m picturing a baby crawling around with kitchen knives while Dan is busy playing NBA LIVE 2007 and listening to Ryan Adams.

2) Jorge – Sometimes legends are made, and sometimes they’re born.  Jorge’s Hispanic heritage gives him the automatic #2 spot.  Actually, little known fact, Jorge’s mother became pregnant with Jorge when she was 9.  And he’s a youngest child.

3) Spills – “This girl is walking away from me, so I reach up between her legs, grab her by the panties, and pull her back.”  Let’s just say that quote came from someone on this list, and the person wasn’t named Tom, Dan, Hones, Burns, Chima, Jorge, Debo or Keida.  Had the KCS taken place 3 years ago, Spills would’ve been the odds-on favorite, but in the late oh-oh’s (2000’s) Spills seems to have settled down a bit.  He’s focused on a blossoming new career, so we’re gonna leave him in the 3-spot.

4) Hones – With freedom comes responsibility.  Hones may be employed and a homeowner.  He may be semi-married.  But these freedoms come with the knowledge that children should wait.  Plus, he’s Irish, and in the Irish culture anyone who has a baby out of wedlock is beaten and fed to a sheep. 

5) Keida – I don’t really have a reason for putting Keida here.  Just seems like the thing to do.  By the way, I’d like to take this time to announce that Keida has officially been cleared in the “Philadelphia Housing Scandal of 2006” (see RCS week 2 for more info). After hearing the verdict, Keida thanked God, and then said “all the doubters, they just inspire me to keep on working harder.  This one’s for my mama.” 

6) Burns – I don’t know what’s going on with Burns.  He had dated 387 girls by the time college ended, and since then, maybe two.  Also working against him is the fact that he just moved kind of close to me, so if he even thinks about having a kid it will only take me about an hour to drive to his place and smack him in the head with a shovel.

7) Tom Z – No.  No, no, no.  Even the thought of a child scares me.  Hey, I love kids, and one day I hope to have kids of my own that are far superior to everyone else’s children.  But in the near future?  No chance.  I’m not ready to give up my life just yet.  Hell, we’re talking about a guy who has announced he supports fourth-trimester abortions. 

[Editor’s Note:  Should Jessica Alba ever announce her undying love for me, all bets are off and I immediately move into first place]

8) Debo – Unless you’re trying to set a world record for debt, having a child while in dental school is a bad idea.  Plus, I’m pretty sure he’s gay anyway.  At least that’s what his mom told me.

9) Chima –  The more things change…    the more they stay the same.  Ah, you know what?  Fuck it.  I change my mind, Chima is #1 this week.  Everyone else moves down one spot.  This is probably the only chance he really has to win anything, so let’s give one to the kid.

1) Chima – Yeah, that looks better.  Enjoy it while you can, buddy.
 

 

THE DEBO POLL (11/28/06)

[Another competitor decided to contribute.  Here’s a poll from Debo.]

 

Hones recently did an RCS.  I guess I’ll try now.

The Jeremy Poll:

1. Keida - If he was playing DePalma or Joy he’d let them win.  If he
was playing Sellars or McCarthy he’d get his ass kicked.  He’s playing
us though.  He always beats us.

2. Tom - He has a website.

3. Chima - I bet he’ll get some run off from his friends in rochester.

4. Hones - He dances like a whirlwind of honesty and optimism
tasting the fruits of.  I forgot where I was going with that.

5. Spills - He’s a regular guest on someone’s website.

6. Debo - I always thought he was gay

7. Partridge - His name kind of sounds like car-bridge.  So all he
needs is a foundation to drive across and he’s there.

8. Burns - hahahahahaha

9. Jorge - This isnt a whose going to have a baby’s momma contest.

 

 

THE HONES POLL:  “THE RISE OF THE SIKH”  (11/19/06)

[Note from Tom Z: I have encouraged everyone in the RCS to contribute their own rankings, and finally someone took me up on it.  Here is the first poll from Hones, who is currently ranked as the consensus #1]

THE RISE OF THE SIKH

Wow, I can’t believe that Tom and Spills have been writing RCS updates for six months now.  Now that’s perseverance. 

Since I’ve been the consensus #1 since the polls began (hold the applause), I figure that it’s about time for me to make a guest appearance and write my own poll.  Now is also the perfect time because we’re just entering the holiday season, which means it’s been about a year since I’ve seen half the people on the list.   That makes it much easier to make up stuff about them.

On to the poll…

1. Hones.  I must say, I have thoroughly enjoyed consistently being ranked #1 in the polls these last few months.  I mean, it’s not that hard to be #1; there are only three real options.  But what makes it great is that Keida is usually #2.  And if there’s one thing that I enjoy, it’s beating Keida at anything.  ANYTHING!!!  It’ll never get old.  You know what else I like about the polls?  I really like that the Tom Z poll refers to my Colleen as Colleen version 1.0 and Keida’s Colleen as Colleen version 2.0.  Now, Tom has known Colleen version 2.0 longer and she and Keida have been going out longer than me and my Colleen.  Hell, they even live together.  Yet, my Colleen still gets the Colleen version 1.0 tag.  Based on those facts, the only rational reason for Tom referring to me as #1 is because I’m better than Keida (in what way I’m not sure).  Anyways, it’s just another way for me to beat Keida, and I love it. 

But seriously, I’ve got a house, a job, a cool girlfriend that I’ve been with for awhile.  The #1 ranking is justified.

2. Jorge.   Now here’s the wild card of the top contenders.  I haven’t seen Jorge in a decade (actually it’s been two years, but it seems longer), but I do know a few things about  Mr. West Genesee 1999.  He’s been going out with Janice for a long time: three years? Four years? I’m not sure.  Either way, it’s been awhile.  He’s also in law school.  That’s where it gets interesting.  Law students are three things: busy, broke, and soon to be rich.  Those first two things can be a hindrance to his RCS hopes (unless he decides to save some $$ now and propose while he’s broke, it’ll be much easier to justify a cheap ring).  The third thing is interesting; Jorge is almost done with law school.  That means he’ll be rich soon.   Will he celebrate being done with law school and getting a big signing bonus with some law firm by buying a ring?  Who knows…?

3. Chima.  I think the little man has been getting short-changed in the rankings.  Think about all that he has going for him: he’s a college graduate with an MBA and he’s got a good, well-paying job.  He’s funny.  He’s a world traveler.  He’s bilingual.  He’s cool.  He’s always got the perfect tan.  He’s a great dancer.  He has access to a store full of liquor.  Everyone loves him.   Sounds like the complete package to me.  What girl wouldn’t want him? (Or should I ask what girl doesn’t want him?)  I think Chima could have any girl he wanted, and if he wanted to win this contest he could do it at any time.  It’s just that right now he’s more interested in things like Kobe’s New Jersey number, or how Alex Smith’s off-season workouts will affect the 49ers offense in 2008.  If he ever decides that it’s time to stop watching ESPNEWS and find that lucky lady, then believe you me, he will. 

And there’s always the option of arranged marriage, which I think should be a legal part of the competition.  

4. Tom.  Here’s what I know about Tom- he has lots of friends that are girls.  Now I was watching some “Friends” reruns this week realized something.  First, the show isn’t that funny, and they make the guys into total tools.  Second, the guys on the show are good friends with the girls, and eventually they start dating the girls.  Ross went out with Rachel and married her for a few days, and Chandler ended up dating then marrying Monica.  It’s only a matter of time before this happens with Tom and one of his many lady friends.  And that’s right, I just said the guys on “Friends” are total tools and then compared Tom to two of them; sorry Z.
   
5. Dan.  Well here’s what we know about Dan; he’s been dating Shani’qua for about eight months now.  She’s very sweet, has a good job (backup dancer in rap videos), and loves Pearl Jam.  Seems like she’s the perfect girl for Dan.  She also has agreed to Dan’s wishes and is currently training to try out for the 2007 Pittsburgh Steeler cheerleading team.  What really makes her a catch is the teamwork that they have at the card table.  Shani’qua has got herself some curves (some call her bootylicious), and she and Dan have a routine they do at the poker table where she distracts the other players by flaunting those curves then Dan ends up winning big at the table because the other players can’t keep their eyes off Shani’qua.  Their poker partnership is the main reason Dan drives an Escalade and doesn’t have a job.  I don’t have him ranked higher because, for some reason, I don’t see it working out.  You see, Shani’qua never even graduated high school, and Dan has always really valued education, so this doesn’t have much of a future.  (Editor’s note- the previous paragraph is based solely on speculation and no real facts.)

6. (Tie)  Burns and Spillett.  Life is full of questions which have no answers.  If a tree falls in the forest with no one around to hear it, does it make a sound?  If an assistant lax coach gets a new job, do any girls care?  Now, it’s obvious that chicks dig lax players, but their feelings on coaches seem to be up in the air.  I mean seriously, if there had been an RCS while the lax boys were still playing they would have been at or near the top the whole time, but what happened since they started coaching?  They’ve been lurking around the middle to bottom of the polls ever since this whole thing began.  Maybe the problem has something to do with the fact that they spend all their time around 18-21 year old sweaty dudes or thinking of drills they can do the next day to make the dudes sweaty again.  Overall, lax coaching doesn’t seem to be ideal for this competition.  (Note to Spillett and Burns- if you are in any way upset by my rankings, keep in mind that about a decade ago I also aspired to be a lax player but was held back by what is best described as “a lack of athletic ability.”  Also, you get to go coach lacrosse games everyday while I’m stuck living my own version of Office Space.  I’m jealous.)

8.  Debo.   Now here’s an interesting competitor.  He’s almost done with dental school.  He’s cool.  He’s amazingly handsome.  So why’s he ranked so low?  He just doesn’t want it.  That’s right, this kid has no interest in winning this competition any time soon.  He’s busy hitting on first year dental students, getting free drinks from the hot bartenders at Fehertys (he has the best setup ever- I’ve seen it), or testing out the strength in his jaw after surgery.  His situation can be summed up by an episode of “Seinfeld.”  Have you ever seen the one where Elaine is dating the aspiring doctor who has to pass some test, and she stops having sex with him so that he gets smarter?  Well, when he finally becomes a doctor Elaine is very excited and says that it’s always been her dream to be going out with a doctor.  But the guy proceeds to dump her and say it’s always been his dream that when he became a doctor he’d dump whatever girl he was going out with and find a hotter one.  Well, that’s Debo in a nutshell, and he ain’t winning this contest unless it goes on for a looooong time.

9. Keida.  He really belongs up in the one, two, or three spot in the poll, but I decided to let everyone else enjoy beating Keida.  Feels good, doesn’t it?  You’re welcome. 

On to the actual info:  Colleen version 2.0 is a catch.  Keida seems to have it all together: a good job, house, live-in girlfriend.  And he also seems to win everything.  Maybe he should be at the top of the rankings.  I don’t know.  But I do know this: if we ever decided to put money on this thing, he’s moving up to the top spot right away.  If there’s money on the line, he comes through, that’s all there is to it.  More interestingly, if there ever is money on the line for the RCS and Chima ends up winning, do you think Keida will slap him like it was a 1998 game of pitch?
Well, that’s all I got for the rankings as of now.  I should have a new take on things after the holiday season when hopefully I’ll be seeing everyone.  

As far as Thanksgiving goes, come on over any time this week.  We can talk about the RCS, reminisce about some good times, and binge drink like we’re still in our early 20’s.

 

 

RCS Update (11/17/06)

Message from Tom Z:

I would like to issue a formal apology to Spills.  Apparently I was a bit harsh on him in the last RCS poll.  I was upset over his David Patten comparison and lashed out.  That was wrong.  While I may not agree, I now see the merit in his comments.  We have called a truce, and there will be no more negative comments.  We have also arranged a female-exchange program, and are currenlty working out the details of said program.  Any bad blood that may have existed has been absolved.

Message from Debo:

“I can’t believe you continue to rank me 4th in the RCS, even though I just broke up with a girl because she couldn’t spell ‘you’re’ and she likes Billy Joel.”

[Fair enough…   next poll, we’ll move you down…  although breaking up with a girl for lack of homonym-knowledge is perfectly acceptable]

 

RCS Standings Week 10  (11/15/06)

 

THE SPILLS POLL

Well, well, well, we made it almost to Thanksgiving. Honestly, I was never very sure that we would get this far. The Ireland trip was a huge disappointment (for us, not Hones), and we have no good Holidays until Christmas. So, with that being said, I do have some very important inside info for this installment. I recently went on a trip to visit Dan and Jorge with Burns. High Five! Although there were some rather disappointing times (no strip clubs), overall, the trip was a big success (from what I remember of it). Anyway…here is the new poll.

1) Hones: I can’t move him anywhere this week, he belongs at number one. I’ve had a chance to spend some solid quality time with Hones the past few weeks and I have to admit that I think this thing could end before Summer ‘07…at the latest. So, with that being said, he will have some stiff competition from our new number 2….

2) Jorge: Yep, I said I couldn’t move him until I had a chance to hang out with him and make sure he was in fact alive, and guess what….he’s not dead! He’s not! Plus, Janice is a cool, cool chick. Not the greatest beer pong partner, but legit nonetheless. I was impressed. Plus, I have always said that Jorge could not be a true contender until Castro dies, and now it looks like that fat bastard is on his last leg. Game On!

3) Keida: Slowly moving down the polls due to lack of information. This might change after Thanksgiving/Christmas, but for now, he moves down in the polls. This kid is racing down the charts faster than his hairline.

4) Debo: Seriously, who really thinks we’ll see him more than .5 times over Thanksgiving Break? This could lead to a dramatic drop in the coming months. Debo, if you’re reading this, please come hang out with us over break. We miss you.

5) Tom Z: He has to make his move soon. I feel as though Z hasn’t really done much since making a career-threatening decision to leave NYC. Really, who does that? You know how all these players leave the Patriots and then do shit with their new team? This is like Tom Z. He had the most ideal situation in NYC, a real championship contender, then left for bogus reasons (seriously…too expensive? Really? That’s the best you can come up with?) I feel as though Z is like the next David Patten. Remember that guy? He is a bad football player who was legit in New England, but will never catch more than 35 passes the rest of his career. Not to say Z is bad at all, but Norwalk is no Big Apple.

6) Dan P: Movin’ on up. Not like those black people from that TV show, but he’s still on the prowl. Although he is a mere after-thought in this poll, I still feel like he belongs higher in the rankings for the pure fact that he lives in a nice area. Harvard?! If I was Dan I would go out every night just praying to knock up some rich Harvard chick with a trust fund, then hand her a ring and a coat hanger and tell her to choose. Either way, he wins. He needs to look into this a little more.

7) Spills: Hanging on by a thread. This guy has no life, and apparently no game. Typically he would be good for at least one drunken, PDA grope session at a place like Cambridge or Boston, but was shut-out last weekend. Tough luck. Apparently his powers are useless against non-strippers. Chalk up this kid in the loss column. But still not as bad as……

8) Buns: Buns had a pretty nice deal going….for about a month. Then he decided to quit his current job in sunny Charlotte, NC, and decide to head to the dreary northeast of Amherst, MA. Which leads me to my next poll. What’s the target date for Burns to move on to his next job? I have September ‘08. I think he has a shot to last about 22 months at this job, before moving on again. Apparently, he goes through jobs fast now in order to make up for the lack of dating recently. And a side note on this topic, Dan, Jorge and I had a conversation about his last girlfriend this weekend, and I want to pose this question to our loyal RCS followers: What would you have done in his situation with the lawyer? I mean, personally, I would have traded in her birth control pills with tic tacs and hoped for no pre-nup. She’s loaded! And she’s hot, enjoys telling strangers she’s a stripper, plays poker, and older than us. That’s a potent combination. Oh well, at least he’s not in dead last.

9) Chima: Rumor has it he’s back from Australia. Still doesn’t change the fact that he has no chance of winning this thing. I like the kid, but I haven’t talked to him in a while and I have no idea what he’s doing with his life. I’m going to enjoy seeing him over break…as long as he doesn’t hate me for this poll.
Well, that’s all I have for now. It’s almost 10 PM and I am ready to leave my office. I have no life. By the way, if anyone can get a hold of the Britney - KFed sex tape, please make me a copy. I will pay solid money for it. This really is the biggest priority in my life right now, which is quite lame. Anyways, still waiting for some guest polls, please do this so I can take a week or two off.

 

THE TZ POLL

 

We experienced a dramatic shift in this country last week, as the Democrats took over Washington DC after 12 years of Republican rule.  We’re involved in a war in Iraq that seems like it will never end.  Issues like abortion and gay marriage are hot-button topics across the land.  Yes, it’s an exciting time for politics in the USA.  Even people who generally avoid political matters like the plague are being swept up in the madness.

If love were politics, then December would be election season.  As our contestants hit the campaign trail to finish strong in ‘06, it’s important that they pay attention to the issues and maintain an image of success at all times.  Because even though we all pretend that the RCS has something to do with marriage or love…    really, it’s all politics.

1) Hones – The long-time incumbent maintains his seat at position #1.  Hones is the Ted Kennedy of the RCS; he’s pretty much staying put forever.  Although, if he ever drove off a bridge and killed Colleen (v1.0), we’d probably have to move him down in the ranks.

*2) Keida – Keida is like the Speaker of the House.  He COULD be the number one guy, but first the guy ahead of him will have to die.  So close, and yet so far.  On an unrelated note, Keida and Colleen (v2.0) are coming to NYC this weekend…   and both myself and one of Colleen’s high school friends will be in Pennsylvania.  Good times.

3) Jorge – With the government cracking down on illegal immigration, Jorge may want to make several copies of his US citizenship documents and keep them all over; the bedroom, the kitchen, the car, the classroom, his sneakers, etc.  You never know what could happen.  One minute, he’s sitting pretty in Boston…   the next, he’s in a paddywagon on his way to Tijuana.  One “lost passport” and our Cuban friend could be out of country and out of the RCS.

4) Debo – The rich get richer.  The poor get poorer.  Or in the case of Debo, both.  Dentists are in high demand these days, but it takes longer and longer to finish school.  So while he’s now studying the nerve endings of a frontal canine, he may want to come up with some clever campaign speeches as well.  Like, for example, “MARRY DEBO IN 2012: BY THEN I’LL BE RICH” or “DENTISTS: WE ALSO HAVE THE BEST TONGUES (IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, LADIES).”

5) Dan P – He asked me to move him up, so I’m moving him up.  Ask and ye shall receive.  That’s what it says in the bible, and since politics and religion are so heavily intertwined these days (just how our forefathers wanted it), this seems like the right thing to do. 

6) Tom Z – According to the latest Quinnipiac poll, I’ve been losing ground with the voters over the past couple weeks.  And since I have nothing else to add, there’s a show on the FOX Sports NY channel that you all have watch next time it’s on.  It’s called “Greatest Sports Blowups” and though the name says it all, let me just add that the “Practice” and the “Playoffs!!!” speeches are both involved. 

7) Spills – Your representative from the Green Party, Mr. Spills!!!  Spills, you might want to take a lesson from Bill Clinton…   next time you find yourself in court, face-to-face with a judge and a Dreamgirls stripper, practice this line:  “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”  Then smile into the camera and give a slightly creepy thumbs up, and you’ll be golden.  This will happen.  So be ready.

8) Burns – No one has hit the campaign trail quite like Burns.  But then again, this guy has had 387 lifetime girlfriends so clearly he’ll hit anything.  OH!!!!  SNAP KID!!!!  No, seriously, Burns has been to North Carolina, Syracuse, and Massachusetts, and that’s just this week!  This constant traveling has really hurt Burns in the polls.  He needs to pick one location and stay the course instead of flip-flopping around to different cities.  Because freedom isn’t free, and love costs $1.05.

9) Chima – You might think a gay marriage joke is coming here, but I’m gonna play the politician and say that I feel sorry for Chima.  I mean, all it takes is one girl to like him, right?  One girl out of 150 million in the US…  those aren’t bad odds.  Seriously, if a woman can be president in 2008, then why can’t Chima be married by that same time?  The times they are a-changin’ my friends. 

Wait, did I just call Hillary Clinton a woman?  Did I just say Chima has a chance?  Damn.  Maybe I’ve been corrupted by Washington, because I’m clearly out of touch with the common man.

 

SPECIAL MESSAGE FROM TOM Z:

Hello, my fellow Americans. 

You’ve probably seen recent RCS polls from Spills making detrimental claims against my campaign.  Spills claims that I am “all over the place.”  And yet, he ranks me fifth every single time.  He alleges that I am some sort of moronic alcohol, when in fact I finished ahead of him in West Genesee’s class rank and am obviously more of a classic binge drinker.  He has compared me to both David Patten and Jake Plummer, which any intelligent voter should find insulting.  He also claims that I fled New York City for CT for suspect reasons.  If having a car so I can visit my friends and family is a “suspect reason,” then consider me guilty.  I may have left two hot chicks behind, but what Spills doesn’t know is that ever since then, I’ve been hooking up with his sister.

Alright, that’s not true, but the point is, you don’t wanna go negative, cause I will launch a shock and awe campaign the likes of which you have never seen.  Don’t mess with the Prez.

I’m Tom Z and I approve this message.
 

 

RCS Standings Week 9 (10/23/06)

THE TZ POLL

Autumn…  it’s the season of change.  When we were young, we’d start off each new school year with a positive attitude.  During college, we’d finish off a grueling summer job and look toward the fall semester as a chance to begin life anew.  And now, as pseudo-adults, we get to look forward to football season and the holidays, as well as a wind-down to the crazy summer that was. 

If you’ve taken a drive recently, you can’t help but notice the leaves and the changing colors.  It’s a good metaphor for the changes in life that we all go through.  And there’s no better time to make a change than the fall.

So, in honor of Autumn, let’s give each RCS competitor a color, and discuss exactly what they need to change in order to win this thing.

1) Hones – A wise man once said, “if the shoe fits, then don’t change it.”  Or something like that.  Anyway, like Brandy, Mase, and The All-American Rejects, Hones is sittin’ on top of the world.  He’s setting the standard; and therefore his color is gold.  When you’re number one, there’s not much reason to change.  But there is something Hones can do to strengthen his lead.  If you’ve ever seen Nascar (and if you’re lucky, you haven’t), then you know that the leader still needs to box out the followers so they don’t pass.  Hones’ best bet is to “box out” the other competitors.  By this, I mean one thing:  sabotage.  Hones should take a look at the other competitors and ask himself, “how can I take them down?”  I’m talking false stories, spreading rumors, or just calling up Keida’s girlfriend and saying stuff like, “so, do you have crabs too or is that just Keida?”  Sabotage.  It’ll work.

(And FYI, Hones, if you do this, you absolutely have to wear a fake mustache and police clothes and sing “I CAN’T STAND IT, I KNOW YA PLANNED IT!!!!” while jumping off a ledge.)

*2) Keida – Real men wear pink.  So Keida gets the color blue.  As far as I see it, the best maneuver he can pull to change his ranking would be the last-second-girlfriend-related-change-of-plans.  He should make tons of plans with all us guys, but then, like two days before, just call everyone and go, “yo, sorry, I gotta bail, I forgot it was Colleen’s third cousin’s bar mitzvah.”  We’d start calling him a pussy, and then eventually we’d move him up to #1 due to lack of balls.

3) Jorge – Our Cuban friend gets the color white.  Ironic, huh?  But Jorge lives up in Boston, and that means there should be snowfall in the very near future.  It’s gonna snow, and it’s gonna get cold, and no one wants to go out in the cold.  If Jorge is smart, there will be a lot of nights involving a fire, a bearskin rug, a bottle of wine, and the girlfriend.  Basically, Jorge’s life can change into the video for Eagle Eye Cherry’s “Save Tonight.”  That would be a lot of QT, and we all know where that leads.

4) Debo – Dr. Debo gets the color silver, as in the color of braces.  It’s also the color of the dope-ass spinners that Debo will one day put on his Hummer H2 (you know, when he starts getting those dentist paychecks).  What can he change?  Well, he needs to shave.  Yep, that would be a good start.

5) Tom Z – A couple years ago, a girl told me that white roses were for friendship, and red roses were for love.  I bought her pink roses.  She didn’t like that.  In an unrelated story, last weekend I bought a girl a Spinal Tap DVD.  She had just had an actual spinal tap, and this was a running joke that we had going.  Now, normally you would think that roses are a great gift and a Spinal Tap DVD is a terrible gift.  But given the situation surrounding the presents, in reality it was the exact opposite.  The key is attention to detail.  If I just pay closer attention to girls, I will considerably raise my chances.  It’s the little things.  But I’m on the right path.  It’s only a matter of time until those pink roses start turning into red ones.  Plus, I totally spooned with a girl last night.  Yeah.  What.

6) Spills – Rocky once said, “If I can change, you can change, we can all change!!!”  Then he called his own son “kid.”  But the point is, I thought that Spills would be in the #8 spot for a long time.  But he’s shown me a new side in 2006.  I don’t know if it’s because of his job, or his time spent in the north country, or if he’s secretly toking up 5 times a day.  Whatever the case, it appears that we’re witnessing a toned-down, calm version of Spills.  Instead of getting physically thrown out of strip clubs, he is now being politely asked to leave.  If this trend continues, he could climb higher and higher.  So to you Spills, I say, stay the course.  Spills’ color is brown, cause when he grows his hair long he looks exactly like Scott Stapp, and that’s just funny.

7) Burns – Burns’ color is red, as in the red states.  Since he just moved to North Carolina, I have to rank him at #7, as he probably hasn’t had much time to meet anyone yet.  But, as we all know, they have some hot ass broads down there in the Dirrrrty South.  These southern girls love cars, lazy men, and Jesus.  Burns is already way ahead of the game for cars and laziness.  Now all he needs is a religious awakening.  That’s right, Burnsy, dust off that bible and start going to church thrice a week, and you’re sure to meet a nice Christian girl.  Or, if that’s too much effort for you, then just go up to some chick in a bar and ask her if she wants to “travel below your Mason-Dixon.”

8) Dan P – Dan’s color is black, like a limo.  Cause apparently Dan and friends are taking a limo from Philly to Manhattan in a couple weeks.  Kid’s ballin’.  And while girls may like this flashy lifestyle at times, in the long run they need a man they can rely on, who’s going to be there for them and not gonna be jetsetting off to the big city.  But still, a limo from Philly to Manhattan, in the words of Dave Chappelle, “that’s the most ballin’ shit eva, son!!!”

9) Chima – I went to a beer tasting festival on Saturday, and I swear I saw a beer called Chima Ale.  So hey, he’s got that going for him.  Unfortunately, that’s about all Chima has going for him right now.  He’s currently in Australia, and since the RCS doesn’t recognize human-kangaroo weddings, Chima has little chance of winning this month.  His color is green, because his only shot of winning the RCS is to become very, very rich.  And this needs to happen soon.  Chima, I don’t know how much you currently make, but you’re gonna want to triple or possibly quadruple that figure ASAP.  So put in some overtime, or go back to school, or check out Monster.com if you need to.  Cause no matter what continent you’re on, there’s always a golddigger just around the corner.

That’s all for this week, people.  Your missions are set.  Now go out and accomplish them.  Cause it’s a beautiful time for a change.

 

 

THE SPILLS POLL

Alright…back at it. I was hoping that some of you would step up to the plate and submit your picks, but apparently you are all as lazy as I am. Anyways, I don’t have internet in my new apartment, so I have to write this shit from my office, so that’s why I haven’t been doing this on time. Since the last time I left you all I gave everyone a solid surprise by moving Keida up to the #1 seed. Well, that may have been a bit pre-mature (Chima knows all about that). Ok, now that I have had some time to think about things, I have decided to right some wrongs in this poll. Also, Burns is now coming with me to Cambridge to stay with Dan and Jorge November 10-12. So, if anyone else thinks we should make a full-out vacation/reunion out of this, get in touch with Dan and Jorge. Also, please be sure to watch the re-runs of the 2 latest MTV true life: I have touretts and staten island girls…high class comedy.

Enough of that…on to the picks.

1) Hones: Yeah, I think that I was a little harsh on Hones in the last poll, although I am still sticking by my guns that he is in for a serious push with Keida come Christmas. If it doesn’t happen by then, all we have to look forward to is Valentines. By the way, anyone who proposes on Valentines should be kicked in the nuts. Sure, you win the RCS, but that is way to cliche and sappy for our group of friends, and for that, we all get one free shot on you. Hones is definitely the man to beat, but I felt like I needed to give him a little reality check for at least one poll. Also, he is having a Halloween Party this weekend and I need to get back in his good graces.

2) Keida: Still holding strong, but I still haven’t talked to him in a while, except for a 2-minute phone this summer. We’ll see how things turn out when he comes home for Christmas, but until then, we have to assume he’s not winning this thing…yet.

3) Jorge: Solid #3 seed. But don’t forget…’Cuse won the NCAA hoops tourney as the #3 seed  a few years back, and Jorge could very well win the RCS as the 3rd seed this year. I will have more on this after my trip to Boston. As soon as he finishes Grad School/Law School he will factor into this thing with more authority.

4) Debo: If Jorge can be this high in Law School then Debo should be this high in Dental School. I have no idea why, because I haven’t talked to Debo in about a year, but it seems like the right thing to do for now. Plus, he is currently covered in about 2 feet of snow, so I feel kinda bad for him, and am assuming he is keeping himself occupied during this difficult time.

5) Tom Z: All over the place. That’s the only thing I can say about this kid. Plus, judging from some of the text messages he has sent me over the last few weeks, I think there is a chance that he will be dead and in hell long before he gets married (assuming that those 2 things are not one in the same). For example, while watching the MTV True Life: I have Touretts, Z sent me a message saying that the 16 year old with the wig was kinda hot. Yeah.

6) Spills: Don’t know why, but might as well. Instead of trying to justify this ranking, I would like to talk about a few things I have observed lately. First, TONS of hot chicks hang out at Barnes & Noble. Seriously. I was there the other day and it was great. I am going to be hanging there more often. Second, grocery stores are a great place to meet chicks. I have talked to a few there recently, but nothing has come of any of it though. Either way, just wanted to put that out there. Third, the dance team at Cazenovia was trained at the Alpine. I am convinced of this. I saw them perform the other night at our midnight madness and it was 100% stripper material….trust me, I would know.

7) Buns: I talked to Burns for the first time since he moved the other day. Seems like things are going well for him. Lots of hot, lazy, NASCAR-loving broads down there…he just hasn’t snagged any yet. Also, Burns is coming up November 3rd, I believe and hanging out with me for like a week going to lax tourneys, so I should have more info after that.

8) Dan P: Holding strong down near the bottom. Sorry, but I have nowhere else to put him. After my trip to see him and Jorge I will have more info. But more than likely, all I will find out is about 6 new bands I have never heard of and random yelling about Chaz Batch at the helm for the Steelers.

9) Chima: No surprises here. I think he’s in Australia right now. Didn’t know they allowed his kind there. Must be they confused him with the Aboriginees (however that’s spelled). Anyways, he will not be moving in the polls probably ever, so I am giong to leave it at that for now.

I hope you all try to make an effort to write your own polls in the near future. I really think it would be fun to read them. Or, you can send me an e-mail and give me some feedback/info on my picks. Other than that, let me know when you are coming to ‘Cuse. I could use some visitors and some fun stuff to do.
 

 

 

New RCS Rules (10/3/06)

 

It has come to my attention that we need a clarification of the RCS rules.  I thought this would be simple; first one to propose wins.  But it turns out love is not a simple task.  So, here are some new RCS rules, effective immediately.

1) The “Last Card Rule” is hereby banished.  A couple months ago I thought it would be a good idea to make the winning contestant give a 24 hour advance notice before proposing.  Now, I’m picturing this scene:  Someone from the top of the charts decides it’s time to propose.  He calls up Tom Z to give the warning.  Tom just happens to be in Atlantic City with Spills and Burns (it’s only 2 hours away, thus making this a realistic scenario).  Next thing you know, it’s 8AM, there are three empty bottles of Grey Goose on a hotel floor, and someone’s married to a Puerto Rican cross-dresser.  Not cool.  The last thing we need is a Spears-Alexander situation.

2) Spills asked about whether or not gay proposals count.  He’s obviously got a coming out planned soon.  Nah, just kidding.  I don’t see this rule actually coming into play, but just in case, yes, they will count.  Equal rights, people!  This brings up a lot of questions though.  Do gay people buy each other rings when they propose?  And who proposes when it’s two dudes?  You know what, fuck it, if anyone comes out of the closet, the RCS is done, this is way too complicated.

3) If the girlfriend proposes, not only does that guy not win, he falls to 9th place for the eternity of mankind.  So let’s say Hones takes Colleen v1.0 out to the Olive Garden for a lovely little Columbus Day dinner to celebrate their 1-year-and-eight-month anniversary, and she takes it upon herself to propose to him.  Well, not only will Hones be automatically disqualified from the RCS, but each time I see him for the rest of his life, I will be sure to greet him by pointing and laughing.  And I will suggest that everyone else do the same.

4) Arranged marriages still don’t count.  Sorry Chima.

5) The girl does not have to say yes.  It would be bad enough to be denied on bended knee, but to lose the RCS also?  Now that would suck.  So rejected proposals count.  As long as you bought the ring and gave it a sincere shot.  Plus, I kinda want this to happen, cause I guarantee Spills would show up and say to them, “hey, at least you won the RCS!!!” and then get punched in the face. 

6) Those “future marriage proposals” don’t count.  You know what I mean…   when you say to someone, “how about if we’re both not married in ten years we get hitched?”  Doesn’t count.  If these were allowed, I would’ve won already, and came in second, and third, fourth, fifth, and sixth place.  Sorry Liz/Emily/Krissy/Kristen/Allison/Maggie.

7) Annulled marriages count.
 

 

RCS Standings Week 8 (10/1/06)

THE SPILLS POLL

Well, well, well…back with yet another installment. Since the last time I left you, I was all but certain that this competition was over. Now? Not so much. But first, let’s re-cap some of the big events over the past year.

The White Sox? How did they win the World Series?
Steelers? Didn’t see that coming.
The 2 best basketball players in college hoops…white?!?!
Kobe drops 82…in one game!
Shaq-ira wins the NBA title, and is not the best player on the team?
JP Losman is a starting quarterback in the NFL?!?!
T.O. on suicide watch.

Well, it’s been a long, strange year indeed. But all of that COMBINED cannot match up to this.
Wait for it……
wait for it……

 

wait for it……

 

WE NOW HAVE A NEW NUMBER 1 IN THE RCS POLLS!!!!!!
YEAH YOU HEARD THAT CORRECTLY!

1) Keida–Our newest number one in the polls comes from non-existent in the competition all the way to the high seed. How did this happen you may ask. I have no idea. I really wish I did. This thing was a done deal, but I have my doubts, and that is why I choose to shake things up. Let me try to explain…
You see, Keida hasn’t been known to invite people over to his place. Even in high school when we all spent so much time in his basement, it wasn’t because he invited us over, it was because he had the coolest basement (this was pre-renovation at Burns’) and we just pretty much showed up. He really never invited us over. But after getting that e-mail the other day inviting ALL of us to his place, all the way in Philadelphia, makes me curious. I mean, most of us haven’t even talked to Keida in about a year, then he starts calling me, burns and mahoney when he was in Syracuse, and now he asks all to Philly? Sounds to me like he’s trying to re-connect with us all before he plans another big event…like a wedding. I’m telling you, this could happen.

2) Mahoney–It pains me to do this, especially since I have been hanging out with him and Colleen so much recently, plus he let me stay at his place last weekend when I was drunk. But I just cannot justify putting him number one when there is so much mystery behind this recent bout of social interaction from Keida. Now there is a good chance all will go back to normal next time, but right now, I have to move him down.

3) Jorge–Still sitting strong at #3. I did just confirm a trip to Jorge’s place in early to mid-November so I will have a lot more info after that. But for now he stays pretty consistent here. Plus, there is no way that Jorge can get married until after Castro dies, because as we all learned from that little Elian Gonzalez conflict, Castro does not let his people come to America, unless it’s by boat, so noone of his relatives would be able to attend the wedding. But let me tell you this…as soon as that old Bastard croaks, expect him to move up and surprise some people.

4) Debo–I have to move him up this week. I really have no inside info here, and I haven’t talked to Debo in a long time, but I do know that he has been treated unfairly in this poll for too long by me. He deserves to get his shot in the top 4. I mean, he will be a dentist after all. By the way, we all need your e-mail address Debo.

5) Tom Z–The eternal underdog. I decided to move him up this week based on the fact that the whirlwind Northeast Tour is officially over now, and he has more time to settle down and find a broad. Plus, the fact that almost never updates his site anymore makes me think that he could be sneaking around spending all that free time with someone special…other than Keystone Lights. You just never know with this kid, and I would not want to bet any amount of money against Tom Z luck, so let’s just call this a precautionary pick.

6) Spills–Big drop for this kid. He is moving this Sunday (October 1st) but that still doesn’t change the fact that he is pretty much a lost cause in this poll. Plus, with the move back to ‘Cuse, he has spending a lot more time with his college lax teammates, and we all know that when you get drunk laxers together…well let’s just say that the environment is typically not associated with long-term girlfriends/commitments. At least he’s still higher than the pre-season #3 pick Burns.

7) Burns–He is living in the Dirrrrty South. But he also has a lot of ground to make up by starting in a new city not knowing anyone. Plus, the biggest X-Factor in his ranking is the fact that there is no way that he can even date a girl too long unless he brings her home to meet Donna. Considering that flights cost a shit load of money, and driving his pick-up truck to Syracuse costs even more money than flying, it will be several pay periods at least until we can expect to hear of any trips back to the great frozen north. But…as soon as I get that phone call that he wants to meet me at Dinosaur for dinner and to meet a “friend from Charlotte” I will immediately move him up….at least one spot.

8) Dan P–I wish I could move him up higher, but I know that Dan P always gets what he wants and that he has unbelievable luck, so I am going to put him here based on the assumption that I don’t think that he has any intention of even being in this competition. He has no desire to be considered, so as of now, he won’t be considered. But, if I hear otherwise on my trip to see him and Jorge in Boston, you will let you all know about it in the polls. Dan P is a cool guy. He lives in a pretty sweet city. He knows a ton of shit about music and random trivia. But we also have no idea what the hell he’s doing in life. Seriously…what does he do? Noone knows. Until these questions are answered I cannot justify putting him higher.

9) Chima–Yup, I may have some surprises at the top of the poll, but down here in the basement things just stay the same. Plus, Chima is heading to Australia soon, and I have never heard about mail order brides from Australia, so I cannot think that he would surprise anyone this week. Oh by the way, what is the official ruling if he moves to Vermont and marries a dude? Does that count in the RCS Polls. We need to check the rulebook on this one. Nah, I’m just kidding, I really don’t think Chima is gay at all, it’s just fun to tease him. I really think that he should make a surprise guest appearance in the polls. I would love to hear what he has to say on this competition, and his rationale behind his picks. Tom Z, can we make this happen? Can we make every contestant submit their own poll at least once before the New Year? I think that each week, for the next 9 weeks, each competitor has to write their own poll. I would love to read that. They would submit their poll, along with Tom Z’s picks, and we could all see what everyone else is thinking, plus it will allow for everyone to give the rest of us a life update, so that we all know more for our own picks down the road, if this thing even makes it past Christmas. Something to think about.
Well, that’s all I have this week. By the way, this is the lastest I have been awake on a weeknight in like a month. That’s pathetic. I am such a loser. I cannot wait to finally move into my own place. If anyone has anything going on this semester, let me know, as I am trying to get out and see more of you more often. Keep me posted. Until next time…stay away from the pill bottles.

 

THE TZ POLL

The honeymoon is over.

We’ve had a lot of fun the past several months with this RCS competition.  But the RCS is about marriage, and marriage is not supposed to be about fun.  So let’s skip the distractions for one week and review the facts.  We’re exactly six months into the RCS – seriously, can you believe we had the dedication to keep this up for 6 whole months? – and it’s time to take a look at the progress each competitor has had, and where they currently stand.  A lot has changed since May. 

This is starting to get serious.  So much for the afterglow.
 

1) Hones – Some people will try to tell you that Hones is slipping.  Or that he “missed his window” when he didn’t propose on his recent Ireland trip.  Don’t believe the hype.  Hones has been the favorite since Day 1, and he will remain the favorite until there is conclusive evidence to the contrary.  In this competition, no news is good news.  Hones’ relationship with Colleen v1.0 has been steady for six months.  And that’s a good thing.

*2) Keida – Keida and Colleen v2.0 have also been going strong since the beginning of the RCS.  Again, no news is good news.  On paper he’s absolutely even with Hones.  But here’s the problem.  I can’t picture Keida not eventually wanting to move back to Syracuse, and I can’t picture Colleen v2.0 not eventually wanting to move back to Cape Cod.  That leaves only one possible solution:  They move to West Springfield, Massachusetts and alternate three-hour trips east and west every other weekend.  Of course, that seems entirely reasonable.

3) Jorge – More steadiness here.  But, Jorge is in grad school.  To be in grad school, you have to be smart.  And smart people should know to NEVER GET MARRIED IN GRAD SCHOOL.  He’s in a solid relationship with a solid girl (not named Colleen).  But, here’s a quote from Jorge himself:  “I’m a graduate student who used to have a life prior to law school.”  Does that sound like someone who’s getting married in the next year?

4) Tom Z – I’ve been up and down throughout the competition, and at this juncture, it’s still impossible to say where I’ll end up.  “First place or die tryin’,” that’s my motto.  For this pick, it all depends on who you ask.  For example, if you were to ask Spills, he would say that I’m an alcoholic idiot who travels the country making a spectacle of myself and tells the world about it every third week when he stops being lazy and updates his website.  If you were to ask me, I would say that I’m an unbelievable guy and model citizen who is holding out for a girl of the same caliber.  Or, if you were to ask this girl that I hung out with last Wednesday night, she would say “you could have tons of girls if you weren’t such an asshole.”  So yeah, it all depends.

5) Burns – He has also been up and down, but that is due to major life changes.  Last weekend, Burns moved to North Carolina.  He did not, however, take his shirt off and wave it in the air like a helicopter.  While moving to a new city/situation is always difficult, I think this will prove to be a great thing for Burns.  Think about it…   what do people in the south like?  Cars?  Shitty 70s music?  Being really lazy?  Perfect!  Burns should fit right in.  It’s only a matter of time before he starts dating some southern belle, and as we all know, those girls from the Dirrrrrty south like to get married young so they can stop working out and go from beauty pageant queens to freak shows on Oprah.

(As a sidenote, I cannot wait to visit Burns in NC and scout for my future wife, since I have become convinced that I will not find her in the Northeast.  The Northeast girls are fine, but they can’t compare to those southern beauties.  Personally, I blame the weather.)

6) Spills – Spills has a great new job.  He also lives in a great new area of Syracuse, his hometown, where he has many connections and can hang out with many ladies (as opposed to his former residence of Potsdam, NY, where he could only hang out with rednecks and moose).  But still, c’mon.  To plagiarize Allen Iverson, “WE TALKIN’ BOUT SPILLS!!!”  The kid has nearly gotten me banned from every establishment in upstate New York.  He seemed doomed in the beginning of the competition, but has risen steadily since.  Is the old Spills gone for good?  Could this be a new, improved Spills?  Only time will tell.  For now, I’ll err on the side of history.

7) Debo – In one year, Debo will graduate from dental school.  That means two things…    he’s $150,000 in debt and still three years from being an actual dentist.  One day, this kid is gonna have it made.  But the RCS is a sprint, not a marathon. 

8) Dan P – Dan started in the middle of the pack, but he’s slipped down to #8 over the months.  Why?  Lack of information.  He hasn’t done anything wrong, per se, but everyone else has advanced their stock and we don’t know what’s up with Danny.  I wouldn’t rule him out a possible winner (seriously).  But I can’t move him up without evidence.  And plus, I’m with Spills, I doubt Dan even WANTS to get married anytime soon.  In fact, if you gave him a choice between meeting the woman of his dreams, or meeting Tommy from “True Life: Jersey Shore,” I’m pretty certain he’d go with Tommy.

9) Chima – Mr. “The Greatest Show On Earth” Chima has been in last place for the entire run.  Plain and simple, it’s because he would rather watch the bottom line on ESPNews than watch a girl conceive his child.  I mean, procreation is great, right, but what’s really important is who won the Clippers-Golden State game.  He’s a paradox.  He’s the absolute man, and yet at the same time he’s got no chance.  It’s a shame.  I hope he wins, I really do, but it just doesn’t seem likely.  Those are the facts.
 

IMPORTANT SIDENOTE:  At the request of Spills, I am hereby challenging our other 7 friends in the competition to send me their RCS picks.  You can write whatever you want; simple rankings, in-depth descriptions, or just an explanation of why you should be ranked higher/lower.  Also, I would accept anything from any girlfriend of a competitor (say, the Colleens) or even a close female friend of the single competitors.  Email me – This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. .  I’ll post everything, unedited, even if you just make fun of me the whole time.  Let’s make this more interactive. 

 

 

 

RCS Standings Week 7  (9/8/06)

THE SPILLS POLL

 Are you ready for some RCS?!?! I know I am and I also know that this week has a football feel to it to me. The summer is officially over, but no worries, NFL and College Football is back. Yeah Penn State….yeah JP Winman. And just like football season, something’s gotta give in the RCS. You have to make the important moves and you have to shake things up. Not sure how much I can shake things up, but you know damn well that I will try. So, in honor of the NFL, this week I will compare each pick to a football team…bear with me, this could be terrible.

1. Hones–You see, Hones had his chance to end this thing early in its existence on his recent trip to Ireland, but he didn’t. It was either because of all the Guinness in his system, or because seeing all those lovely sheep made him second-guess his preferances. Either way, Hones has it all, and because of that he is the Colts of our little poll. He has all the tools to run away with this title, but unfortunately he seems to be able to choke down the stretch and possibly lose this thing. Sorry Manning, you make great commercials, but can you close the deal when the season is on the line? DE-CAF….DE-CAF!

2. Keida–Slowly pushing for the top spot in our poll, Keida had a recent trip to Syracuse in which he managed to call us all up to hang out, then fell asleep on his couch and never made it downtown with me, Burns and Z. This is a big minus on his part. Never-the-less he does hold onto the 2 seed. For these reasons, he is like the Chargers. All the potential to take this league by storm, but eventually he will have to settle for the wildcard at best…too bad.

3. Jorge–He does a nice job this summer holding down the 2-3 seed, but now it’s back to the grind of law school and that doesn’t bode well for his rankings. He does have some serious long-term commitments going, much like the Eagles signing McNabb to a 10-year contract, but in the end, can a black quarterback win the Superbowl? Can a Cuban win the RCS? Lots of questions, not a lot of answers. I will hopefully find more out in the next few months, when possibly, Jorge could make a Syracuse appearance, and I will make a Boston appearance (November).

4. Tom Z–I knew I couldn’t keep him down for too long. Everytime I want to write him off in this thing, I always find more reasons to bring him back up. He does live in a nice area, not far from NYC, and chicks always say they want a guy with a sense of humor, and we all know Z is one of the funniest people ever (you hearing this writers of SNL?). So he has serious potential. So, for these reasons, Z is kinda like the Broncos. You try to write them off, then all of a sudden, they are right back in the thick of things and they make a serious push. But can they ever win the Superbowl with Jake the Fake at QB? I don’t know…can Tom Z win the RCS without having a current girlfriend?

5. Spills–Making some progress, yet light years away. He has started a new job in the rich area of Cazenovia, has signed a lease in the rich area of Manlius. Has been making weekly trips to Albany to see a girl, but can we trust a guy who was on a first-name basis with no less than 8 strippers in College? Not sure. Like the erratic Mike Vick, this guy has some pieces in place, but does not seem like the kind of guy you want to put much faith in down the stretch.

6. Debo–It pains me everytime I have to rank Debo, because I want to put him top 3 everytime, yet I also want to put him in the bottom 3 everytime. I can’t figure this enigma out. Dental school is a plus, but loans until he dies is a minus. I can’t shake this thing. Dr. Debo could be a darkhorse in this thing, yet Brock Steele could show up and bench press his way out of this thing. Like the Cowboys this season, there are more storylines involved here than an episode of Undressed. Remember that show? Awesome! He could be like Frankenstein Bledsoe and stay still in this spot forever, or he could learn how to scramble and run the table with this league. That’s why we play the game folks.

7. Burns–After listening to Burns beg and plead since the last RCS poll to move up higher, I have decided to grant him his wish and move him up one place. HAHA Buns…you’re still lower than me! This kid is all over the map. As the pre-season #3, he had some people worried, then after some suspect manuevers this summer, he crumbles faster than Fred Taylors groin. But even now, I still compare him to the Ravens now that they have McNair. It could be the change of scenery he needed to re-establish his career, or it could be his final resting place as just another flash in the pan black quarterback. With Burns out of Binghamton, he could flourish in his new setting…or it could be the same old story of Burns moving in, dating at least 4 different girls in 3 months then fading back to the bottom of the polls. Who knows? Not me.

8. Dan P–You had your chance Package. This summer you could have made a road trip or 2 and visited a few people, but you chose to stay in Boston. This has finally come back to bite you in the ass. Like the Texans passing on Reggie Bush, you had a chance to make an impact, but you decided to play it safe and stick with defense. This disappoints me greatly. I wanted to hang out with Danny P this summer and raise some hell, but instead I got to hang out in Camillus with no friends. Hopefully my trip to Boston in November will improve things for Dan in the future.

9. Chima–Of course he’s still at the bottom of the polls, just like his beloved 49ers. Was this comparison ever in doubt? He loves the niners, and I’m pretty sure he loves Kobe in a more-than-platonic way. No chance here, we might as well just mail him some roofies and a membership to match.com. This is hopeless. On the bright side, it will be an interesting 3-team race between the niners, bills and jets over who gets to draft Brady Quinn next year. Of course, after Penn State kills them this weekend, that might be a lost cause as well. Like Chima.

Well that’s all I have for this week ladies and gentlemen. If this whole NFL thing was lame, well I guess it was lame, but either way, I was just looking for some way to pass the time during the Steelers-Dolphins game and figured I would give it a shot. Hopefully Tom Z has a more entertaining poll to counter-act this one. Anyway, I move in to my new place October 1st, so any visiters to ‘Cuse are more than welcome to come visit and crash at my place. Until next time…go Bills!
 

THE TZ POLL

 

Hey. 

Here are my week 7 rankings:

1) Hones
*2) Keida
3) Jorge
4) Debo
5) Tom Z
6) Spills
7) Dan P
8) Burns
9) Chima

Now…

Instead of giving a run-down of each person, I thought I’d take things in a different direction this week.  At this point, the whole RCS competition seems like a runaway.  Hones, Keida, and Jorge are light years ahead of the crowd.  Right now my money is on Hones, and that’s a statement that should be obvious from the #1 ranking.  But those top three all have a shot at the crown.  They don’t need any help.  On the other side of things, the participants ranked 4 through 9 could all use a little assistance.  For them, I offer the following…

A couple weeks ago, I was talking to Debo on the phone, and he informed me of a brand new theory that I now consider absolute genius.

I present to you, “The DARE Theorem.”

Remember in elementary school, when you had to take the DARE program?  It was designed to educate kids on the dangers of drugs.  Well, we all know that it was completely worthless in that regard.  Basically, it just told you what each drug did, so that years later you could try each one and think, “yeah man, that officer was totally right, this stuff does cause hallucinations, awesome.”  So yeah, DARE was worthless for drug prevention.  But a strange thing happened…   fifteen years after the DARE program was completed, we discovered a practical use for it…     one that could completely change the course of human existence.

That’s right…    DARE is perfect for picking up chicks.

Think about it:  What did DARE teach us?

A) The Cold Shoulder – Well, this is phenomenal.  Girls love it when you ignore them, right?  After all, the universal idea of getting chicks is that you have make them think that they need you more than you need them.  So this is absolutely perfect.

B) The Broken Record – Chicks are dumb.  That’s why they’re not guys.  And one of the dumbest things chicks do – and I’ve seen this often, especially on MTV dating shows – is to give a guy credit for being a good listener when in fact he is actually just repeating the last few words that the chick said.  Repeating vague 3 word phrases over and over like a broken record will get you everywhere.  Being an “attentive” guy is a lot like being in a rapper’s back-up posse.  You just wait until the rapper is done with a line, then you repeat the last couple words with emphasis.  For example:

50 CENT:  I’m-a shoot yo ass dead, shoot you right in the head, cause you a bitch!

BACK UP POSSE:  YOU A BITCH!!!

Or…

GIRL:  I love my job, but there’s this one girl I can’t stand blah blah blah blah blah, she’s always stealing credit for blah blah blah blah blah, I can’t stand the way she blah blah blah, oh my god she’s such a bitch!

YOU:  SHE’S A BITCH!!!

See?

C) Change The Subject – This is great.  Suppose the conversation is going great, and then the girl throws you a curveball and asks about something like your exes or why you have that weird looking mark on your upper lip.  Just change the subject.  Talk about reality shows; that never fails.

D) Walk Away – This is mostly effective for ugly chicks.

E) Just Say No – Saying no constantly and being negative makes you look like a real asshole.  And we all know that chicks dig assholes.

That’s all I can remember, but I’m sure the rest of the DARE tactics work just as well.  So I want the lower ranked contestants to take note, as this may very well help them one day in the future.  Perhaps it could even help them win the RCS.  Or maybe I’m just hallucinating.

I leave you with one final piece of advice:

Chima’s gay.
 

 

RCS Standings Week 6  (8/17/06)

 

THE TZ POLL

We’re balls-deep into August, and that means it’s an exciting time for professional sports.  The baseball season is wrapping up and fans are preparing for a heated playoff.  The NFL is back and better than ever.  College football recruiting is over and the games are about to begin.  The world’s best basketball players are taking the court in the World Games.  And the NHL…    well…    nevermind.  But football, yeah man, football!

Anyway, in the spirit of competition, let’s get into the most important game of all…    the RCS.

1) Hones – One week ago, an important new rule was handed down by the RCS rules committee.  A rule that could directly affect the outcome of the competition.  That rule is hereby known as the “Last Card Rule.”  You know how when you’re playing Asshole, and when you get down to the last card, you have to shout out “last card!!” so that the other players know it’s now or never to make a move for the win?  Well, same idea.  If any of the 9 competitors in this competition are thinking about proposing, they must give at least 24 hour advance notice to each of the other 8 competitors.  This warning can and should be done discretely – after all, we don’t want to blow the surprise for the chick – but it must be done.  If anyone fails to abide by this rule, and proposes without advance notice, they will be immediately disqualified from the competition, and their spouse will be called and told their most embarrassing female-related story from high school or college.  We’re all friends here, and I would expect this warning anyway.  But now…   it’s mandatory.  Warn, or lose.  This rule most prominently affect Hones.  Sure, he may go into the 4th quarter with a lead, but now we’ve all got a chance to knock down a buzzer-beater.

*2) Keida – Mr. All-Syracuse Basketball knows all about sports.  In fact, when he does get married, you can bet that the wedding song will be “One Shining Moment,” followed by “We Are The Champions,” while a highlight reel of he and his spouse’s greatest dates is played in the background.  Do not be surprised if the phrase “you may now dunk the bride” is uttered at some point during his wedding.

3) Jorge – I propose we support a one month limit on going steady.  I think this will keep people more able to deal with weird situations, and to get to know more people.  I think if you’re ready to go out with Johnny, now’s the time to tell him about your one month limit.  He won’t mind.  He’ll appreciate your fresh look on dating.  And once you’ve dated someone else, you can date him again.  I’m sure he’ll like it!  Everyone will appreciate it!!  You’re so novel!!  What a good idea!!!  You don’t need date insurance!!!!  You can go out with whoever you want to!!!!!  Every boy!!!  EVERY BOY IN THE WHOLE WORLD CAN BE YOURS, IF YOU JUST LISTEN TO MY PLAN…    THE TEENAGE GUIDE TO POPULARITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   I’M QUARTERBACK, I’M POPULAR, I’M HEAD OF THE CLASS, I’M POPULAR!!!!!

(Jorge was QB of our high school football team.  Get it?  And FYI, I always loved the line of that song where he says “I’m the teacher’s pet”…    really?  That’s what popular kids brag about???  I guess I REALLY didn’t pay attention in high school.)

4) Debo – Much like a stud 17 year old baseball player who’s stuck in the Yankees farm system, Doctor Debo is yet to prove himself in the real world.  However, the kid has got potential.  His stock is high.  And so he gets 4th place this week, based on his upside.  Tons of upside. 

5) Spills – Sympathy for the devil?  Yes, you heard it here first, people.  I have a new sleeper pick.  First off, he’s got a brand new job (I won’t disclose that info for privacy sake but it’s something cool – plus I’m sure he’ll give it away anyway at some point).  He also met a girl this past weekend while playing lacrosse (which is kinda a sport, thus your sports tie-in).  Sure, it’s only been a week, but apparently this girl’s dad is in the mob, and you know what they say about “once you’re in, you never get out.”  And finally, after breaking his ankle this past weekend and having to hobble around on crutches, he’s sure to catch in on some sympathy action.  It seems unbelievable but it’s true.  Mr. Spills is making his push toward the top.  Pleased to meet him, hope you catch his name.

6) Dan P – Much like Barbaro, we don’t know Dan’s current condition.  He could be close to death or he could be out breeding right now.  Since his unofficial “retirement” from Syracuse, he has not been seen.  I’m putting him here based on the fact that he’s Dan P and everything always works out for him.

7) Tom Z – If you had told me when the RCS started, that 4 months in I would be ranked 7th, two spots behind Spills and only 2 spots ahead of Chima, I would’ve immediately wrapped my lips around a shotgun and Cobain-ed myself.  Nevertheless, I’m here now because there’s nowhere else for me to go.  Everyone above me has scrambled for position like Michael Vick.  Meanwhile, I’ve been more stationary than Drew Bledsoe.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ll be fine, but the RCS might not be a long competition and I need to make a move ASAP.  If I’m going to win, I may have to bank on the new “Last Card Rule.”

8) Burns – At least I’m ahead of THIS GUY.  First off, he says he wants to have a threesome with me and this one chick.  She’s real hot, but still, you want to fuck me?  That’s lame.  Then, this past weekend, Burns takes me to a lacrosse tournament where he assures me that there will be more sluts than I’ve ever seen in my life.  And he’s right.  Yet for 3 days he fails to hook up with any of them (and sure, neither did I, but at least I can use the excuse that I don’t play lacrosse). 

9) Chima – Chima’s lifelong drought makes the Irish Potato Famine look like a $6 all-you-can-eat at the Old Country Buffet.  Still, I can’t discount our boy completely, because after all, no matter how you draw it up on paper, as soon as you take the court, that’s when the miracles happen.
 

THE SPILLS POLL

 

With the end of the summer upon us, it’s time for another installment of the RCS. After skipping a week due to prior obligations, we are back with a vengence, and with more inside info than ever. If I happen to offend anyone this week, well then, it should be nothing new. After a rough weekend with Burns and Tommy Z in Lake Placid (or Lake Flacid in Burns’ case), I have some breaking news that could change the course of this whole competition. Tom Z has already explained the new 24-hour rule, and with the exact amount of the cash prize still pending, this shit is getting serious.

On to the picks….

1) Hones: This will not change, especially since as you are reading this, they are flying to Ireland for the next 2 weeks. Although after 2 consecutive nights at Tully’s with me and Burns, Hones still denies the existence of expensive merchandise in his luggage, I say guilty until proven innocent…like the legal system for blacks. Done deal–I already have the check filled out in his name.

2) Keida: This pick pains me. It really does. This pick stings worse than when I have to pee in the morning following a late night at the Alpine. But in all reality, this is the most logical pick at this point in the rankings. Plus, we all know that once the dollar amount is set, Keida will be on a mission to win this thing, and then maybe play some cards with his winnings.

3) Jorge: My bad dude. I really wanted to put you in the 2-spot but I just couldn’t do it. If you would leave Boston and hang out with some of us, other than Dan, then I would know what you’ve been doing over the past 16 months since I’ve seen you last. You gotta step up your game lest you fall behind the pack.

4) Spills: Yup, for the first time ever, I am being ranked higher than second to last. There are some rumors going around about a chance meeting at Placid with someone, and I can confirm that there have been many phone conversations and some possible weekend visitations in the mix. I can’t say too much more, and all that really doesn’t justify being this high, but it feels good….well it feels better than my broken leg (sprained ankle), which I am still trying to get sympathy points for, and will be milking the use of crutches for an extra day or four.

5) Tom Z: The new rules benefit him greatly. This is like when the NBA banned hand-checks and Jordan went on to average 60 points a game for the whole season. Tom Z is going to flourish in this new system. He should be higher in the ranks, but he did pull an O-fer at Placid and that disappoints me greatly. And by the way, make sure to stay tuned for the whole Placid story at a theater near you soon (it will be rated nc-17 at best).

6) Debo: No reason for putting him here. He could be first or last on any given week. But the fact that I had some painful dental work down today puts me in a bad mood towards him. So, because of that, I am ranking him here. It would be worse but I just had some tasty vegetarian nachos and now I am a little more sympathetic towards dentists.

7) Dan P: Haven’t seen him or talked to him since Christmas. I expected a fantasy football invite from him, and have yet to hear that, so for those reasons I am banishing him to the 7 seed this week. I know he will read this, and I hope that he puts a fantasy league together asap. Me, Burns and Hones all want in, so you have no excuses. Plus, it doesn’t matter where I rank him, because since he has Anti-Tom Z luck, he will finish exactly where he wants to finish, and we have no say in it.

8) Burns: HAHAHAHA!!!! Burns drops all the way to second from last. He put on a rather un-Burns-like performance at Placid, and this disappoints me to no end. I cannot stress how big of a deal this was to me. After the Connecticut and NYC trip with him and Z, I expected to see straight A-Game from him this weekend. I saw little. It was almost depressing. Plus, he got hurt, but not bad enough to require the sympathy crutches like me, so he definitely got screwed on that. Sorry to do this to you Buns, but I have to for at least this week.

9) Chima: No chance he moves unless I actually recieve the invitation in the mail, and even then, I will have doubts til I hear “I DO.” Plus, there is a good chance that he will have to come home and run the family liquor store for at least a little while, because they need someone there who can at least speak some English and understand the concept of a fake ID. Seriously, I saw a 12-year old buying Jim Beam there the other day. I don’t think they even asked for ID. He needs to get out of the ROC and back to the Cuse. Trade your family store and a few goats and order yourself a bride, because you ain’t gonna win this competition bud.

That’s all I have for this week people. It’s been a very up-and-down summer, but a fun one for sure. I forgot to mention that I now have a job, I am the new Head Lacrosse Coach at Cazenovia College, and I will be moving to Manlius sometime in the future. I am not sure when exactly yet, but it will be October 1st at the latest. Make sure to give me a shout if you come back to the Cuse and wanna hang out or need a place to stay. Manlius chicks are rich and typically hot, so feel free to join in the party folks.

Until next time…keep it hard!

 

RCS Standings Week 5  (7/15/06)

THE TZ POLL

It’s officially the midpoint of July, and you know what that means…   time for summer blockbusters!  We’ve seen Superman soar high above the clouds.  We’ve seen the X-men fight against evil.  We’ve seen Pirates of the Caribbean set a box office record, and we’ve seen conniving Hollywood execs try to dupe unsuspecting males by casting Vince Vaughan and Owen Wilson in shitty romantic comedies that have been secretly marketed as regular comedies (an ingeniously cruel maneuver; I feel sorry for whatever guys get suckered in).  And in just a few weeks, we’ll get the best present of all; Will Ferrell’s return to the big screen as a Nascar driver. 

Anyway, in honor of the summer blockbuster season, I’ve decided to use movie quotes for each of the RCS competitors in this week’s standings.

The following feature has been rated R…

0) Hones –

“Lock it up!!  You lock it up!!!”  - Wedding Crashers

Insider sources swear that it’s just a matter of time.  In fact, on a camping trip this past weekend, the girlfriend even mentioned marriage, which means we might as well get a huge neon sign that says “RCS Champ” and keep it over Hones’ head at all times.  Upon hearing this news, I told him, and I quote, “you’re so far ahead of the pack that, in the next RCS poll, we should have you at number zero and leave number one blank.”  And so here we are.  Hones is now officially on “ring watch” (think suicide watch but more expensive).
1)
*2) Keida –

“How should I put this?  I’m kind of a big deal”  -Anchorman

Keida just entered the competition three weeks ago and he’s already in the #2 spot.  Career, house, girlfriend…  all the pieces are there.  However, he is still under investigation in this competition, with accusers now claiming that he frequently uses HGH (Hair Growth Hormone).  All family history points to the fact that he should’ve been bald two years ago.  It’s highly suspicious.

3) Jorge –

“I AM A GOLDEN GOD!!!”  -Almost Famous

Twelve years ago, Jorge was listening to hardcore rap and going away every couple months to some jerk-off “future leaders of America” gatherings.  Now?  He’s into good music and he’s in grad school and headed for a bright future.  If he can make all these positive changes in one decade, under his own willpower, imagine what a girl could do to him once she got him on lockdown (a.k.a. marriage).  He is going to make an excellent husband one day, and I think that chicks pick up on this, like a hunting dog tracking the scent of a mallard.  The grad school status holds him back, unfortunately.

4) Debo –

“hadhgadhgkjddhjhdaghlagdaghdf;ahdfhdafhda;fhdf”  -Nell

Dr. Debo had his jaw broken and wired shut two weeks ago.  For days he couldn’t talk.  Usually this would hurt one’s chance with the opposite sex.  But…   not only does Debo have some alleged girl who comes over to take care of him…   but even better…    I called him last Thursday to see how he was doing, and he was at the bar.  That, my friends, is hardcore.  Debo started the season pretty low in the polls, but upon further review, the whole doctor thing merits him being more highly ranked; I’m convinced that some chick will snatch him up as their “Million Dollar Baby.”  Expert analysts consider him the sexy new sleeper pick.

5) Dan P –

“If I told you I had to leave and go to the city tonight, would you come with me?”  -American Beauty

Actual text message I received from Dan last week:  “Funniest thing ever, I’m in Maine at a party, and I just convinced a girl to drive 2 hours through 2 states to meet me here.  RCS what.”

How can I ignore that?  Dan makes the leap to #5 this week.

6) Tom Z –

“DON’T EVER STOP FUCKING ME!!!!!!”  - Jerry Maguire

That quote goes out to fate, which continues to ass-rape me on a daily basis.  Every girl I meet these days has a boyfriend.  No joke, every one.  It’s getting ridiculous.  I feel like I’m getting buried here.  Everyone else in this competition continues to raise their game, and I’m stuck in neutral.  I’m gonna have to start resorting to home-wrecking if this continues.  And I would prefer not to break up a girl’s relationship unless I know she’s the one.  Or if she’s really hot.  Either way.  Every day of my life it becomes more and more apparent that I should have proposed to one of my female friends on my college graduation day.  Now I’m stuck with already-committed girls and crazy skanks.  Fuck me.

7) Burns –

“I wish I could quit you.”  -Brokeback Mountain

This week I had the chance to read the entire Spills poll before writing my own rankings.  And I agree 100% with Spills’ assessment of Burns (see below).  I have nothing else to add, so I’ll leave you with another quote that sums up Burns’ relationship status.  This is from the band Weezer…

“Might have smoked a few in my time
But never thought it was a crime
Knew the day would surely come
When I’d chill and settle down
But when I think I’ve found a good old-fashioned girl
Time just slaps me in my face
If everyone’s a little queer,
Oh can’t she be a little straight?

I’m dumb, she’s a lesbian
I thought I had found the one
We were good as married in my mind
But married in my mind’s no good
Pink triangle on her sleeve, let me know the truth
Let me know the truth”

8) Spills –

He gets two quotes:

“That’s what I love about these high school girls, man.  I keep getting older, they stay the same age.”  -Dazed and Confused

“I’m the dude, man!”  -Big Lebowski

Spills has moved back to Syracuse, which means his best chances in this contest are to hang out at Denny’s and hit on 16 year old high school chicks in Godsmack t-shirts.  Sure, they can’t LEGALLY get married that young, but let’s just consider it an investment for the future.  But hey Spills, just a word to the wise, keep it on the DL; you know how cops are these days, it’s like they gotta enforce everything.  I chose the second quote because I’m convinced that over the coming months we are going to see Spills slowly turn into The Dude. 

9) Chima –

“Jim, I wanna talk to you about masturbation…”   -American Pie

Let’s just say, hypothetically, that Chima gets a girlfriend.  And let’s assume this relationship gets serious.  At some point, she would have to go to meet his parents.  That’s going to involve eating Mrs. Chima’s Special Indian Curry.  And that’s going to be a dealbreaker for 98% of all girls.  But who knows?  Maybe he’ll find a special lady who can stomach his mama’s cuisine.  And if that happens?  Well let’s just say Chima could star in a little romantic comedy of his own.  Now that would be a movie I’d like to see.
 

[Footnote:  I originally misspelled ‘masturbation’ and the spell check of my computer fixed it.  You gotta love that.]

 

THE SPILLETT POLL

Ok, so now that I have finally had a chance to hang out with some of the competition this past weekend, I feel like I can make some more rational predictions in this weeks’ poll. With that being said, however, I still think Hones is the favorite and I still think Chima is a fag. There are some serious surprises here but you’ll have to keep reading to find out what these surprises are. Also, along with my picks for each person I will also give you the odds on if I actually get invited to the wedding, because hey, let’s face it, I’ve done some shit.

On to the picks……

1) Hones—Done deal. Instead of putting him at number one this week, I will now start taking bets on when the proposal comes. And since I am the one coming up with the idea, I get to pick first and say the second night of their trip to Ireland this summer. Yup, in a shocker (no, not that shocker), I think Hones will make this a short-lived RCS season.
Odds: 8-1

2) Keida—Yup, I have him moved all the way up to the second spot. Now I know nothing of what he’s up to lately, or what his dating status currently is, but all I know is that the RCS is like a form of gambling and Keida will find a way to work up the ranks.
Odds: 17-1

3) Jorge—Even though I consider him softcore for not going camping last weekend, I still think he goes here. Besides, marriage is softcore, so it makes sense, right?
Odds: 5-1

4) Debo—I still can’t shake this doctor thing, even though I know he will be in debt until the year 2038. Plus, his voicemail message is classic, and I think that may end up playing a role in the Championship Series.
Odds: 28-1

5) Tom Z—He goes here this week, because unlike someone else in this poll (which you will see later on) he does not want to have a threesome with another dude. Too much talk about sausage will move you down the ranks folks.
Odds: 3-1

6) Dan P—Another candidate for softcore performance of the month, Dan P skipped camping last week as well, even though we didn’t have any 151 with us. I still can’t totally justify this ranking, but if the shoe fits, eh?
Odds: 4-1

7) Burns—A huge drop in the polls for Burns this week due to his conversation about having a three-way with Tom Z. Here’s a little sample…

Burns: I would definitely have a threesome with you Z, as long as *Misty* is involved.

Tom Z: Nope, I still wouldn’t do it.

Burns: Yeah, but Z, *Misty* is fucking gorgeous!

Tom Z: Can’t do it. I have no desire to ever be near your cock, even though she is hot as hell.

Burns: Well I would do it in a second Z.

Yeah, so this pretty much sums up why Burns is ranked so low this week. Plus, I am banking on him getting a new job soon (so I can take his old one, hopefully), so I have to hope that he doesn’t get tied down in The Bing anytime soon.
Odds: 3-1

8) Spills—Yeah, still unemployed. Plus, as I said earlier, I’ve done some shit. Don’t lose hope yet folks, I plan on making a run at this thing sometime before I turn 30. Oh wait, scratch that, I plan on crashing everyone else’s weddings first, and I clearly can’t do that unless I’m single.

9) Chima—Yeah, let’s just assume he is staying here for a while. I mean, seriously, does anyone think he will win this thing? Anyone? Nope, didn’t think so.
Odds: 39-1

So there you have it boys and girls, another installment of the RCS. Another week has gone by, and things keep getting interesting in the middle of the pack. Oh by the way, the summer is like half over and I think that sucks. All I have left to look forward to is maybe getting a job, and Tom Z’s coaching debut at Lake Placid. Until next time….
 

 

RCS Standings Week 4  (7/1/06)

 

Is it hot in here, or is it just these 9 guys from Syracuse?  As we officially enter the month of summer, the temperatures are flaring to Brazilian levels…   and so are the hormones.  For some competitors, we’ve entered lacrosse camp season, which means they’ll be fighting off the girls with a 6-foot titanium shaft.  For others, the summer means a time of the “4 B’s”; beaches, bitches, booze and barbeques.  The inhibitions are shed as quickly as the clothing.  In the midst of this June heat wave, some competitors have found their stock rising as quickly as the temperature.  Let’s get right to it…

THE TZ POLL

1) Hones – Mr. All-Syracuse lost a roommate this week, meaning he’s got the place all to himself.  It’s only a matter of time before the girlfriend takes over that vacant closet space.  Also, buzz around the rumor mill is that Hones has a 2 week vacation planned to Ireland in late August with you-know-who.  A domestic trip is one thing, but a trip to foreign country, now that’s serious.

2) Jorge – You know how highly-touted NBA prospects avoid scouting workouts, because their stock is so high that it can only go down?  That’s Jorge.  I haven’t seen him in 11 months, and thus have no clue how his life is going.  But you know what?  It’s probably better that way, at least in terms of the RCS.  He’ll remain highly ranked until I see some evidence that proves he shouldn’t be.

*3) Keida – The Hoopster has been gaining ground steadily in the RCS polls over the past few weeks.  This is mainly due to the fact that I’m stupid and he should never been ranked so low in the first place.  Keida’s girlfriend is all-star caliber coolness, and he’d be a fool to break up with her, unless of course she’s got some hidden dark side that we’re not aware of.  Come to think of it, she’s from Cape Cod and I’ve never met someone from Cape Cod that wasn’t awesome…   I think some of the lower ranked participants may want to take note.  I have nothing negative to say here, but I feel obligated to anyways, cause after all, the RCS is not about being nice, so here goes: Keida slept in a walk-in closet on Friday night, and I’ll let you imagine the kind of jokes that were made on Saturday morning when he emerged from said closet.

4) Burns – Burns’ quest for love took a serious hit when Melissa Birmingham backed out of next weekend’s Adirondacks camping trip, leading to the trip immediately being renamed as “SausageFest ‘06.”  He’s also pursuing some girl who we’re pretty sure is a lesbian.  And to make matters worse, Burns in currently working at a lacrosse camp which means he’s surrounded by 220 pound sweaty dudes all day long for the next week.  Overall he’s hit a rough spot in the pavement.  But hey, at least he’s out there trying. 

5) Tom Z – You know what doesn’t help the chances?  When you go to a block party, and some 20 year old girl comes up to you arm-in-arm with her boyfriend, and starts saying, “hey there you are, you were so drunk the other night when you called me, you kept telling me to come over, it was hilarious!!”  Luckily this boyfriend was wearing a pink shirt, so it ended up being fine.  But at the moment, I can’t justify moving up in the polls until I’m actually 100% convinced I will live through the summer.  On the flip side, I’ll leave you with the following timeline of last night:

5PM – Tom goes to a party with his friend Shiek.  He doesn’t know a single person there.

10:30PM – Shiek disappears for the next 4 hours to “take a walk” with some girl.  This leaves Tom alone with 40 people he just met.

2:30AM – Shiek returns from his walk to find Tom sitting at a table, completely surrounded by girls.

In other words, I ain’t slippin’ either.

6) Debo – You know how after you get off the highway, you sometimes end up driving like 70MPH down a back road before you realize that you’re not on the highway anymore and ease up off the gas?  Debo ended his stay in New York City a couple weeks ago, but I have a feeling he’s still living it up like he was in Manhattan.  In a couple more weeks, the reality that is Buffalo, NY, should set in and he’ll start falling off.  Hopefully he can strike now while the iron is hot so he doesn’t devolve into hanging out at Tully’s and eating chicken tenders while trying to mack it with a 16 year old waitress.

7) Dan P – Insider sources (a.k.a., an Instant Messenger profile) tell us that Dan will be attending a Steve Miller Band concert in the near future.  This should hurt his chances with the ladies when he inevitably starts growing a mullet and wearing ripped t-shirts with the PBR logo on them.

8) Spills – Spills just moved back to Syracuse to live with his parents.  I’m sorry Spills.  It pains me to even type the words.  I’m not gonna make a joke, it’s just not right.  Nevertheless, I can guarantee that Spills right at this very moment is hanging out at Tully’s and eating chicken tenders while trying to mack it with a 16 year old waitress.  And that’s just not gonna help the cause.

9) Chima –  Girls don’t like guys who go out in public wearing the jerseys of alleged rapists.  They just don’t.  And that’s not good news for Kobe Bryant’s #1 fan.  I’m not saying Kobe did it, hell, he’s probably innocent, but still…   from a PR standpoint, Chima might want to get a new favorite player.  Plus, the Lakers just drafted Jordan Farmar and that means Chima has to read everything that’s ever been written about UCLA basketball from the past two years to see how this move will affect the team.  That doesn’t leave much “me-time” for our boy.  Right now his search for true love is going about as smoothly as the Bay of Pigs.  The way I see it, he should’ve tried to capitalize on his Indian heritage back when the whole “Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle” craze was happening.  But it’s too late, he’s missed his window on that.  It doesn’t look like this is his season, but that could all change on some sunny day…     you never know what can happen when things start to heat up.

 

THE SPILLETT POLL

 

Back for more folks! RCS picks for this week, but first, let’s recap…
Hones = front runner…Chima = fag. Ok, now that we’re up to speed, let’s get on to the picks.
Hones–Yeah, no new surprises here. Even Tom Z luck couldn’t jinx this thing…it’s in the bag.

Jorge–It’s been hotter than Cuba the last few weeks, and this will help Jorge in the summer months. Expect some secret “vacations” this summer, he may be sneaking up in the polls.

Tom Z–After re-reading the weekend stories, there’s a good chance that he looked like Matt Leinart next to my drunken antics. This could help him this summer.

Burns–He’s starting to impress me with his skills. I haven’t seen him in action lately, but after last weekend, I am thinking he may be the underdog.

Debo–Dentists are the newest craze. Plus after being in NYC he may catch that disease in the City (no not that one assholes, the one where I see really hot chicks out at the bars and they all have rings on). Seriously, they just latch onto money as fast as they can, then force them into marriage by telling them they’re pregnant. If you want to get them to tell the truth, just show them a coat-hanger and see if they still lie. Just a heads up on that.

Dan P–One of these times he’s going to come back from Amsterdam and there’s going to be a hooker in his luggage with a candy ring on. It could happen just like that people.

Keida–Only if she’s willing to move to Broadmore. If not, he moves lower in the rankings.

Spills–No job, no place to live, no money…yup, in a funk. Plus I can’t date any new chicks until I get a tetanus shot.

Chima–I already said it………fag.
Until next time…deal with it!

 

 

RCS Standings Week 3  (6/5/06)

This week we find ourselves approaching the end of that birds-and-bees bullshit they call Spring, and on to the Summa-Summa-Summertime.  The flowers may not blooming and the birds may not be chirping, but you can rest assured that the booze will be flowing and the panties will be going.  Down, that is.  The weather is changing, and so is the mindset.  It’s the Summer of Love baby…   let’s leave these two alone.

On to the end-of-spring picks…

THE TZ POLL 

1) Hones – He DID attend a Pearl Jam concert in New Jersey this weekend sans girlfriend.  But hey, even Matt Damon and Ben Affleck have to do a movie separately once in awhile.  Barring a catastrophic turn of events, I can’t justify moving him down anytime soon.

2) Jorge – Being of Hispanic descent, all logic says that Jorge should be married with 14 kids by now.  Of course, if he IS actually in his mid-twenties, as his passport CLAIMS, then he’s still got time to knock out a baker’s dozen by age 35.  Jorge remains in second place for the third straight week, with voters apparently overlooking last month’s MySpaceGate scandal.

3) Debo – Ladies, ladies, ladies…    this week and this week only, Doctor Debo is on the prowl in New York City.  That’s right, the future dentist has come to the “World Capital of Gold Digging” for 9 days.  Now, you’re probably saying to yourself, “even the biggest gold digger wouldn’t be able to trick him into marriage in one week.”  Well, you’re wrong; I lived in Manhattan and the greedy skanks there really know how to take it to the next level.

4) Burns – Now that the NCAA Lacrosse finals are over, Burns can focus on his three other loves…    chicks, sleeping, and the Denny’s “Moon Over My Hammy” entree.  That gives him a one in three chance to pick up a girl this week.  Of course, when he calls me this weekend from a Binghamton Denny’s at 3AM, he will immediately be moved down two spots.

5) Tom Z – “Tom Z, Family Man 2006″ was rapidly gaining in the polls all season.  But this week, while attending three Pearl Jam shows in eight days, he tripped and fell into a downward spiral.  At the first he was cockblocked – no joke – 5 times from 5 different chicks…  all by the same guy.  With friends like these, who needs enemies?  At the second he and a young lady were spotted by paparazzi spooning to “Come Back,” which temporarily raised his stock, until the third show, when he cut his lip shotgunning Busch Light in a parking lot and immediately dropped to 5th.  Try to erase THAT from the blackbo-oh-oh-oh-ard.

*6) Keida – The biggest gainer of the week is former All-Syracuse basketball star himself, Keida.  Buzz around the rumor mill is that Keida’s girlfriend will be packing her bags and headed to Philadelphia to move in with Keida.  This is most certainly a shocking revelation.  On the flip side, she’ll be leaving her home in Hotlanta, where parties don’t stop until 8 in the mo-nin’.  How she’ll adapt to the state of Pennsylvania, where bars close at 1:45AM sharp, remains to be seen.  When “Brownies on 23rd Street” fails to recreate the good times had at “Club One-Tweezy,” and it most certainly will, devastation could follow soon after.

7) Dan P – Dan has somehow slipped down to #7 over the past couple weeks, not due to any fault of his own, but rather some strong play from the competition.  An upcoming trip to Amsterdam should set him back even further in this race when he “totally spaces on the whole month of August.”

8) Spills – As Jim Morrison once sang, “The future’s uncertain, and the end is always near…   woke up this morning and got myself a beer.”  While it’s doubtful Spills was drinking a beer at 9AM today (he most likely had a rum & coke), it’s a fact that his future is uncertain.  There have even been whispers that he may be moving back with his parents, a fate so terrible that none of us would wish it on our worst enemy (except I would wish it on Chima).  Although…   if I remember correctly from high school, Spills DID live down the street from Officer Schmidt and that hot-ass daughter of his.  So I guess if you wanna look on the bright side, there’s always that.

9) Chima – Isn’t one of the major PGA Tour events coming up soon?  The US Open maybe?  Anyway, I don’t know, but I think one of them is coming soon.  And a man who is preoccupied with becoming orgasmic at the sight of Tiger Woods is unlikely to find his soulmate.  But who knows, maybe we’re in for a Jacques Van De Velde-esque run out of Chima.  After all, it is the Summer of Love.

THE SPILLETT POLL

 

Same old, same old here folks. I would like to say that I have some more shake-ups this week, but sadly reality has hit me and I have to go back to some more predictable picks. I wish I could say that I have some inside info, but sadly, I have no life and I sit around up in Potsdam, so I haven’t been able to get out much and see whats happening in the world. Ok, enough of that shit, on to the picks…

1. Hones–Mark it dude. That’s all I have to say about that this week.

2. Jorge–Remember when he won Mr. West Genesee by singing Ricky Martin songs? If there was another Latin Explosion in music right now, he would be #1 in the rankings.

3. Tom Z–Yeah, I put him up higher this week. I owe it to him. Since we all are under the impression that marriage is stupid and only sends you to the bowels of hell, then it would be fitting if Tommy Z luck made him the first to go. Are we talking upset?

4. Burns–You can only date so many chicks before you get through them all and have to settle with one. If he ever mentions trading in the pick-up truck for a minivan, we know his life is over.

5. Debo–He moves around a lot in this poll. I would have no problem putting him at any spot in these rankings. Seriously, he is the new sleeper. It’s like the NFL draft when they talk about upside, ceiling and potential. He has all those things and he may end up as the number one pick before this thing is over. Then again, he could break out the Axe bodyspray in the middle of the bar again and make him the last to go.

6. Danny P–Why not? It seems like a logical place to put him this week. Lots of Pearl Jam shows to go to, and he just may decide to follow them around the world for a year or two. He could also lose a lot of money to Kenny KGB, and end up having to marry his cousin in order to save his life. Seriously, this is the kind of shit that would happen to him.

7. Spills–Yeah, now that I think about it, I should definitely be ahead of a kid who will spend the next 5 months talking about how the Lakers new draft picks will affect Kobe’s scoring. I can at least beat him out. By the way, I have officially quit at Potsdam and have no choice but to move somewhere new. This should bump me up as the summer progresses.

8. Chima–He can’t speak English. That should be all I have to say in order to justify this ranking. Plus, he will end up taking over the liquor store and have to spend all his time there making sure his friends don’t steal any booze, because you know we will try, and he will give us a dollar off coupon thinking he is doing us a huge favor.

9. Keida–I have to put him at the bottom this week because I didn’t have him on the list last week and Z said he has to work his way up. So, this is where he starts but we all know that he will move up. The reason I say this is because there will be some girl that lost like $3 to him in a pitch game in High School, and with all the gathered interest he will insist that marriage is the only way she can pay him back.

That’s all I have this week. It’s the short-and-to-the-point rankings this time. Until the next installment boys!

 

RCS Standings Week 2  (5/16/06)

Being single is so last season.

We’re in Week 2 of the Ring Championship Series (our weeks occur bi-weekly), and things have shaken up a little.  This past Saturday night, Burns called Tom Z softcore, which immediately caused Tom Z to gain points, as we all know being softcore is the first step toward marriage.   It doesn’t always show up in the polls, but some competitors are seeing their stock rise while others watch it plummet.  There was also a major decision handed down from the league office that led to…   wait for it…   a new entrant in the field.

Let’s get right to it…

THE TZ POLL

1) Hones – Our current leader attended a wedding this past weekend and brought the girlfriend.  It’s no doubt that she’s been hearing wedding bells ever since.  Could this cause her to tighten the vice more quickly than originally planned?  Only time will tell.

2) Jorge – The second place competitor held strong to his position this week.  However, it was recently discovered that his girlfriend is only his number three friend on MySpace, behind some guy named Ian and ANOTHER GIRL.  Some experts pass this off as happenstance while others believe that a massive fallout could be on the way.  The computers rate him as a strong contender, but we’ll have to wait until next week to see how the human voters react to this new discovery.

3) Burns – Burns lost points this week after declining to crash a wedding with single girls, instead opting to hang out the following night when nothing was really going on.  His aforementioned softcore comment definitely hurt the cause as well.  He’s still holding down the third spot in the poll, but his comfortable lead over the remaining field has slowly begun to evaporate.  Also, there was a breaking development earlier this week when a third Duke Lacrosse player was indicted for rape, making Burns’ involvement in NCAA Lacrosse significantly less sexy.

4) Tom Z – He’s still in 4th but gaining rapidly on Burns.  Not only did his brother get married this past weekend, but it was his YOUNGER brother, and he had to attend the reception and listen to a dozen relatives and neighbors say “so…   when are you gonna settle down?”  It doesn’t matter how strong-willed you are, you can’t go through something like that without letting it get into your head.  You just can’t.  And, to top it all off, he was spotted canoodling with an unidentified blond on back-to-back nights this past weekend.

5) Debo – After reviewing the Week 1 Spillett Poll, it has been determined that, yes, “Hi, I’m Dr. Debottis” is in fact one fantastic fucking pick-up line. 

6) Dan P – True story:  earlier this week, Dan invited a co-worker to stay over at his house after the co-worker’s girlfriend threw him out.  This display of compassion normally would’ve gained points for Dan, except for one small problem.  This co-worker left behind a magazine in the bathroom of Dan’s house.  The name of that publication:  “Transformer” magazine.  That’s right, we now have cross-gender porn involved in the competition.  Now, Dan was being a nice guy, and there’s no way in hell he could’ve possibly predicted this co-worker was going to leave a copy of Transformer sitting in his bathroom.  But it happened.  The TZ Poll abides by a simple rule; if you are associated in any way with someone who likes chicks-with-dicks, you drop a spot in next week’s poll.

7) Spills – New week, same old Spills.  He’s got shockers to throw and sluts to verbally abuse.  It’s not time to settle down.  Not yet.

8) Chima – A week ago he sent out a mass email to inform people that Kobe was switching jersey numbers next year.  His ride on the last place train is going to be a long one.

*9) Keida – Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a new competitor!  The RCS rules define it as a competition for Tom Z’s high school friends only, and Keida’s ties to Marist College originally made him ineligible.  He is also currently under investigation for receiving free rent in a house in Philadelphia for two years (much like Reggie Bush).  His case is now under review by the league officials, and he has been reinstated until a final decision is reached.  However, an asterisk will remain next to Keida’s name until the investigation is complete.  Despite being a serious contender for the #1 spot, it was ruled that he must start in the ninth position and work his way up week by week.  Also, we wanted to make Chima feel good for one week by putting someone behind him. 

 

THE SPILLETT POLL

Week 2 Rankings are starting to show me what could possibly be the biggest upset of the tournament. I have some inside information and have done some serious scouting and I think that some of you may be surprised by the picks. If you don’t believe me, watch the game film and you might figure out where I’m coming from. Now, on to the picks…..

#1–Hones: I still can’t replace him as the top seed for now. He is the USC of our tournament, but you can’t always be the favorite everytime. Don’t expect him to move from this spot for a while, but he will get some healthy competition as the summer progresses. There are no solid Holidays until Christmas, so that puts him at a disadvantage, because he is not expected to pop any important questions until suitable proposal season hits, unless she has a Birthday between now and Christmas.

#2–Jorge: He still sits at the #2 seed, but has had some strong showings as of late. Like West Virginia football, he suffers due to low media coverage. Because he is in Boston, and not Camillus, we don’t see him as much and he doesn’t get back for Holidays because of his parents moving to Florida (aka Cuba Jr.). If he had more exposure to the voters, he might even challenge Hones.

#3–Tom Z: I had to move him up this week based on the fact that Stamford is a rich town and that means hot, rich chicks in ruffle skirts now that the weather has gotten better. He does live near a beach and hanging out with The Core makes him look like better marriage material by comparison. Yes, I know that he gets wasted and does some funny/stupid shit, but it is almost a certainty that Core does even more stupid shit and that neutralizes Tommy Z’s shenanigans. Still not in the top 2, but you never know.

#4–Chima: Yup, you heard it here first folks. I have spent the better part of the last 2 weeks in Rochester and I noticed that a lot of hot chicks get married early here. Call me crazy, but this could prove to be the biggest upset in the history of the RCS. You never know if some chick will trick Chima into marriage, because it’s not like he would ever turn down any chick that vows to sleep with him, so that could lead to him popping the question without thinking about the consequences of his actions. You just never know folks, but that is why I have done my homework and started my summer scouting. I will be trying to make it down to Boston and Stamford this summer so I can take notes and study film in order to get the most accurate polls to you all.

#5–Burns: He moves down this week due to the fact that it is now camp season and that means that Burns will be sleeping in dorm rooms and coaching triple sessions everyday for the summer. This definitely affects the polls. It could even bump him down in the later weeks. I can confidently say that camps suck and very little good can come from them. He does also live in Potsdam Part II, also known as Binghamton, NY, and that affects a lot. He does not hunt or chew tobacco, so that doesn’t give him much in common with most of the females in Binghamton. Expect him to fight to stay in the rankings by having at least 3 different girlfriends in the next few months, but we all know they will not last long.

#6–Dan P: He has also dropped in the rankings this week due to a variety of injuries suffered at the last Pearl Jam show. Ok, so I made that part up, but I am really starting to get into this whole RCS thing. I have Danny down this low, not because of any of his wrong doings, but because of strong performances by the competition . Dan P could still make some noise in the polls, especially if he decides to “go pro” this Fall. Boston is still a strong home field advantage, so expect some serious movement once he makes a decision on if he will return to school, or if he will decline the rest of his eligibility to make the money of the professional leagues.

#7–Debo: I have done some research on Dental School finances for this weeks rankings and have to move him down the polls based on the fact that I could hardly breathe after seeing the kind of debt that these people are in when they finish school. It could potentially take him up to 37 years to pay all his schooling off. Also, St. Lawrence is officially the 2nd most expensive school in the entire nation, so that makes me think he could be in debt until the day he dies. I do have my doubts putting him this low, because the whole Doctor thing still makes me think he could pull a huge upset. Hey, if Kanye West has to worry about gold diggers, then why shouldn’t Debo have to worry about them too?

#8–Spills: Ok, I am actually disappointed to put myself this low in the rankings, but I had no other place to go based on the competition’s strong showings. I have no job, no place to live, am in huge amounts of debt and don’t hang out with any broads. I have to stay in Potsdam until the end of June now in order to graduate, and have no idea where I will go after that. I might have to move back to Camillus for a bit, and that hurts. 24 year olds who live at their parent’s house do not get hitched very often. But, if I do find a new job and it is in a better location than Potsdam, then I could move up in the rankings, but as of now, I am dead last.

[Unranked (votes in parenthesis):  Keida (0)]
 

RCS Standings Week 1 (5/4/06)

THE TZ POLL

1) Hones - The leader by a longshot as we begin the season.  He owns his own home.  He has a Pathfinder, a vehicle widely regarded as a “hot whip.”  He has a girlfriend who supports his Irish drinking habits.  The pieces are in place and it seems like it’s only a matter of time.  The other competitors will have to come on strong if they want to pass him for the lead.

2) Jorge - A man of commitment, Jorge is currently going on 4 years “with girlfriend.”  There are certainly question marks regarding his status as a graduate student.  Many experts believe that he will be hesitant to tie the knot while still in school, with good reason.  This could allow another competitor to slip ahead of him.

3) Burns - The pre-season #2, he dropped slightly by breaking up with his girlfriend and choosing to live in a town where 98% of the girls have fem-mullets and drive pickups (Binghamton NY).  Nevertheless, he probably has the most “natural talent” of the entire field so don’t be surprised if he’s contending come the post-season.

4) Tom Z - The true wild card of the field.  In the words of Spills, “he could get married in 2 months but he could also be dead tomorrow.  You just never know.” 

5) Dan P - Whether he chooses to remain in college or “go pro” next year could be a major deciding factor.  Expert analysts predict a return to college or possibly a year off to tour with Pearl Jam.  Either one could hurt him in the RCS.  For now he has the 5th spot locked up but look for some sort of movement up or down the charts before the season ends.

6) Debo - With 47 years remaining in Dental School and negative $200,000 in the bank, it looks unlikely that he will be tying the knot anytime soon.  However, there is always the chance that a girl will lock him down as an “investment for the future.”

7) Spills - He’s out of college and working, but his unfortunate choice of Potsdam NY as an inhabitance will prohibit many meetings of the opposite sex.  Also, a healthy penchant for cheap booze, strippers and getting into life-threatening situations (for example, groping strippers and then telling their husbands that they “should have known what you were getting into when you married a slut”) could prove troublesome.

8) Chima - The eternal underdog and fan favorite suffered a massive blow in the pre-season when it was determined that arranged marriages would not count in the RCS.  His Indian heritage could have provided a very suitable wife (and it still may).  However, if he wants to win this competition, he’ll have to do it all by his lonesome, with no help from Vishnu, Gandhi, Confuscious, or Mr. Chima.  Right now it doesn’t look good for Chima on paper…   but that’s why they play the game.

THE SPILLETT POLL

OK here are my selections for the latest RCS rankings…

1. Hones: Any guy who snags a broad that encourages him to grow a Hulk Hogan style mustache and get wasted is a keeper…mark it dude.

2. Jorge: Law school + 4 year relationship + Boston = 2nd in line.

3. Burns: If he hadn’t dated 764 chicks before the age of 25 then he would be #2…but 3rd is a pretty safe bet.

4. Debo: “Hi, I’m Dr. Debottis, nice to meet you,” is one hell of a pick-up line. That puts him in the semi’s for now.

5. Dan P: Between drunk Pearl Jam tailgates, getting baked in Amsterdam and living across the street from Harvard there is serious potential there.

6. Tom Z: I feel pretty bad putting him this low but expect some shifts in the rotation as the summer hits…the ultimate sleeper.

7. Spills: I am almost a lock here, but I am graduating from Grad school in June and will be leaving Potsdam for good, so who knows. It all comes down to where I get a job next. Look for things to shake up a lot in August–September.

8. Chima: He will stay in this spot until he stops saying things about Shaq and Tiger in every other sentence…then I will be convinced he likes girls.