Return of the RCS
- Details
- Category: The RCS
- Published on Saturday, December 10, 2011 - 22:55
- Written by Tom Z
[Editor's note: This was originally posted on 12/17/10.]
It’s been a long time, folks. When we last left the RCS, it was late 2006 and although it seemed that one competitor had a lead on the pack, no one was really that close to winning the championship. Well, a lot can change in 4 years. We’ve got a new President, Tiger Woods and Brett Favre went from public heroes to national disgraces, and Facebook replaced MySpace as the super-popular website that is supposedly for reconnecting with lost friends but in reality is the place where d-bags go to promote nightclubs. Also, using the word d-bag is no longer cool.
Oh, and there’s life. If you’re under 25 years old, you can’t possibly understand the drastic life changes that occur during a person’s late 20s. In just a few short years, almost everything about your life will change. Marriage, kids, careers, mortgages… plus a bunch of other stuff that drags you from the mountain of awesomeness into the valley of lame-icity.
Anyway, I felt it was time for a life update. While – SPOILER ALERT!! – the RCS has long been over, the LCS (Life Championship Series) is a competition that never ends.
Without further ado, here are the standings:
THE TZ POLL
The Married Division
1) Hones – I remember the day well. Actually it was nighttime, July 2007. I was in a Brooklyn apartment. It belonged to a friend of mine. She was a girl, but she was not part of the RCS. And we were about to catch a 6AM flight to Key West for a non-RCS wedding. That’s when I got a text message from Hones: “The RCS is over.” Simple and to the point. Nevermind the fact this kid is supposed to be one of my best friends and he lets me know about his engagement via text message. “Oh, look at me, I just got engaged and I want to spend time with my future wife, I don’t have time to call my high school friends and fill them in on the details.” What a dick. Anyway, Hones has gone on to quite the life. He recently upgraded to his second home in Syracuse, a beautiful 5-room palace that most likely costs the same as an outhouse in NYC. And I’m proud to announce that Hones and Colleen (v1.0) are proud winners of the KCS as well. Little Plaxico Hones will be born in the spring. By the way that’s not actually its name, they’re doing that thing where they don’t tell anyone what the name is, so I’m just going to alternate names of African-American New York Giants players until the kid is born. Yes, life is good in the Hones family. He has won the RCS, the KCS, and he leads the LCS in every category imaginable.
2) Jorge – Jorge and Janice were married in 2009, in a beautiful ceremony witnessed by a diverse crowd. Actually the only diversity was Jorge’s family and my Asian girlfriend, who Jorge’s mom thought was Hispanic (she congratulated me for finding “one of us”). Jorge and Janice also moved from freezing cold and congested Boston, home of many meatheads and racists, to slightly less freezing and congested Providence, home of Pauly D. Janice has an incredible job at senior-college Brown University, while Jorge makes his money as a lawyer in Worchester, MA. They’re like a 10:00 NBC drama come to life, except in this show the Hispanic guy doesn’t die in the first 10 minutes. As you can see, things are going great for Mr. West Genesee. And as a soon-to-be 30-year old Hispanic man, he’s beaten the over/under of 9.5 kids, with a current score of zero. I can’t think of any more Hispanic jokes so let’s move on…
4) Keida – If you can’t make fun of your friends, who can you make fun of? Keida. Actually, I’ve got nothing but praise for the Hoopster, who recently was married to Colleen (v2.0) in the fall of 2010. Keida has risen from the shadow of Lord Dale Keida, King of Broadmoor, and now has his own family to not worry about (Keida’s luck is too good, he doesn’t need to worry about anything). Keida also made the defiant decision to move to Atlanta, baffling the doubters who believed he would be back in Syracuse by 2008 at the latest. Keida is living proof that you can’t take anything for granted.
The Non-Married Division
5) Burns – I’ll be honest. I have no idea what Burns was doing when the last RCS was written. Was he working at Wagner College? Had he moved on to Binghamton? Was he already at UMass? Was it during his brief stint as a fluffer for the lacrosse-themed porn website CradleMyShaft.com? Oh sure I could look that up, but hey, this is the internet, I don’t need to look up “facts” before I try to explain something. Either way, Burns is now the assistant coach of UMass lacrosse, a prestigious job that requires no fluffing whatsoever. And he’s dating. Becky is a very young, very beautiful, very young lady who trapped Burns’ heart, picked it up like a ground ball, got to X with it, looked for a cutting attackman, and eventually took it in for a wrap-around goal. Are you tired of lacrosse analogies yet? I know I am. Lacrosse: The sport that’s about to become huge since 1761. The only game that’s been around longer is love. And now Burns has both. Could a proposal be on the horizon? Stay tuned…
(It’s just not that suspenseful when 4 people are already married, is it? Ooh, who will come in 5th place? It’s like watching the NIT and trying to care about Marist College vs. Loyola.)
6) Tom Z – Jeff Buckley had “Grace.” U2 had “Grace.” And now, like all the great legends, I have my own Grace. Actually I think those are the only two with a song named “Grace.” Also I hate U2. Regardless, my girlfriend of 2 years now (Editor’s note: Jesus …) has been the one steady presence in an otherwise ever-changing life. When we last left you, I was living in Norwalk, CT. I’ve since moved to Stamford, then to Hartford, and then on to West Hartford. In 2006 I was working a boring job at a marketing firm. Then, right around the time the RCS wrapped up, I got my dream job working as a music writer for a website! Then that website turned from a “music” site into an “emo” site. Then it turned into a site that sell ringtones. Then I got laid off! Then I was unemployed for 4 months, which uncoincidentally were 4 of the best months of my life. It was at that point when I realized the only true dream job is no job. Then I got a new job which sent me to Upstate Connecticut, where I currently reside, work on websites and bide my time before I can win the lotto and/or become a househusband. It’s been a crazy ride indeed. Also I got an iphone. It’s pretty nice.
7) Debo – Debo is now an official dentist, and although he’ll be paying off student loans until 2071, it’s nice to have a real job. He’s also got a lovely girlfriend named Robyn, with a y, like the Swedish pop singer from the ‘90s. I don’t think she’s a Swedish pop star though. She’s like a teacher or something. Either way she’s out doing something, it’s not like she’s watching Oprah all day. Debo moved back to Syracuse a couple years ago to be closer to family, and since then he’s become a fixture on the Cuse social scene, and is poised to take over Hones’ unofficial title of “Mayor of Cuse” after Hones has his baby and becomes totally lame. Yes, things are going great for Debo. It’s nice to see. Debo’s one of the nicest guys I know, and he’s the hardest-working person I’ve ever met. He’s a great friend and a better person than me in every way imaginable. He should definitely be ranked ahead of me. But I didn’t go to grad school and I’ve been going out with my girlfriend for longer, so check out the scoreboard and suck it bitch!
8a) Dan P
8b) Spills
At this point there’s no way to distinguish between these two in the poll. They’ve been up to some things but most of them are not suitable for print. Dan and Spills both moved back to Syracuse due to unforeseen circumstances. Spills is currently searching for a job in teaching and/or lacrosse, and I’m pretty sure Dan’s future career plan involves PokerStars.com and Oklahoma covering the spread in the Fiesta Bowl. It should be noted that Dan P makes more money at online gambling than me in my real job, so who’s the sucker now? Actually things aren’t bad for Dan and Spills. They get to hang out together and watch sports, plus they go to like 90 concerts a year. I don’t know about the RCS, but in the Life Championship Series I’d say they’re faring pretty well.
AND FINALLY,
3) Chima – I’m sorry to post this one out of order but our man Chima has always been at the end of the list and I feel like the only way to properly honor him is to place him here again. Consider it saving the best for last. Chima is married. Let me repeat that. CHIMA IS MARRIED. We’ve made many “Chima is gay” jokes over the years -- 107,845 by my count -- but now there’s only one guy Chima wants, and that guy is a girl, and her name is Rebecca. I’ve only met her a couple times, she seems nice, and that’s all I got. Chima has a wife. I’ve seen a lot of things change in my 30 years on this planet. Notre Dame went from a football powerhouse to a laughingstock. We elected a black President. Screech from “Saved By the Bell” made a porno. But none of those changes can come close to Chima’s transformation from Screech-esque comedic foil to Zach Morris-esque leading man. He also lives in Rochester and has a good job (I think he sells those body scanners that show your dong to airport security). Here we are, in 2010, and those of us who joked for years and years are left in Chima’s dust as he races through life and the RCS in his new BMW. Oh yes. You couldn’t have planned it. You definitely couldn’t have predicted it. But that’s the thing about life and change. Anything can happen. A troubled soul can change the path they’re on. An underachiever can get a great job. A loner can find true love. A guy can write a joke poll about his friends’ non-existent relationships, and a few years later 80% of them can have serious girlfriends. And if you look hard enough, you can even find a girl who is willing to marry Chima. Life sure is crazy sometimes.
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