The LCS
- Details
- Category: The RCS
- Published on Saturday, December 10, 2011 - 22:59
- Written by Tom Z
[Editor's note: This was originally posted on 6/13/11.]
The LCS - 6/13/11: The 9 Horsemen of the Apocalypse
Jim Morrison once sang, “the future’s uncertain and the end is always near.” Never is that more true than now. You see, we were supposed to have an apocalypse just a few weeks ago, and although we avoided that disaster, there is now another apocalypse slated for October 21st. If we can somehow dodge that bullet, then we have the end of the Mayan Calendar and the destruction of the world coming up in 2012. There’s an ominous guillotine hanging over all of our heads, and no matter how long we push it off, it seems the end of days is always just around the corner.
The LCS is nothing if not a microcosm of the world. It’s about struggling to survive and succeed in a society that’s always one step from the brink. The world may end, but these 9 LCS contestants won’t go down without a fight. Maybe we’re not as active as we were when this competition commenced back in 2006. Maybe our lives no longer evolve at a rapid pace like when we were single and the RCS title was still up for grabs. Maybe we’ve all been out of sight for awhile. But just like herpes, we can’t be suppressed forever. There’s been a massive flare-up of activity from the contestants lately, and so, in an effort to spread the good news before this world implodes into a massive supernova, it’s time for a Life Championship Series update.
1) Hones – When we last checked in with Hones, he and Colleen (v1.0) were pregnant with little D’Andre. This was before the baby was born and I referred to it only by male African-American names. Their child was born a few weeks ago, and it turns out it wasn’t an African-African male but rather a small Caucasian girl named Audrey. I’m pretty sure they named it after the daughter in “Christmas Vacation,” and so I’m very excited for their second child, “Nick PapaGeorgio.” The point is that there’s plenty of reason to celebrate in the Hones family. The last piece of the respectable-citizen puzzle is in place for the LCS leader. He has the great job. He has the beautiful wife. He has the palatial estate. And now he has a lovely daughter. In 15 years she’ll be shopping at Hot Topic and she’ll hate his guts, but for right now, everything is perfect in Hones’ world.
(By the way, did you like how I wrote that “he and Colleen” were pregnant? Because that’s how couples talk when they’re having a baby. “We’re pregnant!” As if half of the baby is growing inside the guy’s scrotum. The liberal media will have you believe that pregnancy is a joint effort, but really it just means that the girl is in insufferable agony while the guy has his own personal designated driver for 9 months.)
2) Jorge – One negative about having a child is, it takes up all your time. You can basically say goodbye to any semblance of a social life. Now that this competition has become about a complete life instead of only a relationship, the news of Hones’ child meant that Jorge was poised to take over the top spot. Or not. I’m happy to announce that Jorge and Janice are expecting, making Jorge number 2 in the RCS, the LCS, and now the KCS. Now you understand why it was time for an update. It’s been a monumental couple of months in the LCS (and we’re not done yet). Oh, hey Jorge, remember two sentences ago when I said that kids take up all your time and wreck your life? I was totally kidding, man. Congratulations!
3) Burns – There comes a time in every man’s existence when he takes an honest inventory of his life. He knows that his days on this planet are limited and he decides that it’s time to settle down with a wonderful woman. A woman who completely understands him… a woman who lends him her undying love and support… a woman who makes him a better person… a woman whose attractiveness is equal to or slightly above his own. That precious time has come for Burns. I’m happy to report more great LCS news: Burns is engaged! Few men can cradle another guy’s shaft and then propose to a girl in the same week, but as a lacrosse coach, Burns pulls it off nicely. Nothing is guaranteed in life, so it’s good to know that when Burns eventually bottoms out, goes to rehab for chicken tender addiction and ends up coaching at Tennessee A&M Tech Junior College, he’ll have a great girl there to support him along the way.
4a) Keida
4b) Chima
We think of an apocalypse as an instant destruction; a nuclear explosion that destroys the world in one fell swoop. But usually endings are a drawn-out event. We know the story of Nero fiddling while Rome burned, but in reality Rome’s fall occurred over hundreds of years, longer than the United States has even existed. Shaq just retired, but he hasn’t contributed anything for 5 years now. When the LCS ends, it won’t be from someone winning the lottery and making us all rich and famous. It won’t be from a bus crash that kills 6 of the LCS competitors. It’ll slowly fade away when I realize I don’t know anything about most of the people involved anymore. Exhibits A & B: Keida and Chima. I don’t know what they’ve been up to in the last 6 months, since the last update. They’re both married and they both have good jobs, so that’s enough to put them 4th. I’ll talk to Keida soon enough I’m sure. Chima, I may never see again. All I know is that he apparently watches lots of NBA, cause the only time I hear from him are text messages at 7AM that say “LE-CHOKE sucked last night… go Mavs!!!!!!!!!” or “KOBE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” with 17 exclamation points. Therefore I’ll put Keida at 4a and Chima at 4b cause I’ve got to assume Keida’s out accomplishing something with his life while Chima’s at home jacking off to Pau Gasol’s girlfriend.
6) Debo – Debo is making moves, literally. He’s moved in with Robyn, who has asked Debo to “Show Me Love” by relocating to her neck of the woods. The bad news is Debo no longer lives 3 doors down from the Blarney Stone, Syracuse’s dirtiest and most awesome bar, so if he wants to annoy people by playing two hours of 1990s One Hit Wonders on a jukebox, he’ll need to show up at a T.G.I. Fridays with a shitload of quarters and some Neosporin for when a redneck beats his ass. So to recap, Debo may have found eternal happiness by moving in with his beautiful potential future wife, but he won’t get to listen to Hum’s “Stars” any more. I’d call that a wash. Moving on…
7) Spillett – I admire Spillett, because he took a risk and it didn’t work out. I can relate. I once left a “secure” job to be a music blogger, but my house of cards came crashing down when the website went under and I was forced to relocate to a new city in order to find work. Similarly, Spillett took a risk becoming the head lacrosse coach at a very small school in Upstate New York, only to have his position cut when the school decided that sports were no longer a priority. Like anyone goes to college to learn. Luckily it’s not the end of the world. Spillett is working his way back up the ladder with a new coaching job at another Upstate NY college. He’s also on the fast path to a future working with mentally and behaviorally challenged kids. They say, to catch a jewel thief, you need to hire a jewel thief. I say, if you’re trying to relate to behaviorally challenged youth, hiring someone who once got kicked out of a strip club for telling a stripper’s husband that “you should have known what you were getting into when you married a whore” is a pretty good start. I hope it works out for Spills, because I’m really looking forward to hearing some of his stories about dealing with mentally challenged kids. Those should be good.
8) Dan P – Danny had a minor apocalypse of his own recently, when the U.S. government shut down a bunch of major online poker sites. On the bright side, I believe this will lead Dan to a bright career as an IT technician who specializes in re-routing U.S. computers through Canadian IP addresses. Or he’ll be one of those guys who gets hardcore Christians to sell him their belongings for pennies right before the Mayan apocalypse in 2012. Either way, Dan P is going to leave this world a rich man. As the other competitors get married and have kids, they’re bound to fade into obscurity, leaving the door wide open for Rich Dan to make a power move. Just like with the parable of the tortoise vs. the hare, or the age-old fable of the amateur online poker player vs. the veteran poker player, the key is to be steady and consistent and wait for others to falter. Which bring us to the final contestant…
9) Tom Z – I started this competition in fourth place and have remained around the middle of the pack… until now. The LCS is a competition about life and my life for the past three months has been horrible. Not horrible like “I’m stricken with AIDS” or “I’m a Native American,” but still, it’s been pretty rough. I recently got very sick. I’ve had chest pains, dizzy spells, throat problems and a rash of other issues. I haven’t been able to eat and I’ve lost close to 30 pounds now. I weighed 178 to begin with so it’s not like there was a lot to lose. My life has been a revolving door of doctor appointments and social events canceled due to illness. I’ve had to go to the hospital in an ambulance and I’ve racked up thousands in medical bills thanks to suspect health insurance. According to my doctors it’s either the common cold or super-cancer, they’re not sure. Like Charlie Sheen, this illness was surprising at first, and over the course of a few months has become really annoying. If I had anything resembling a life before, it has been destroyed by this mystery illness. My only hope is that they discover a unique virus in my body, then cure it, then name it after me, thus accomplishing my goal of having either a disease or a New Jersey Turnpike rest stop named after me. As it stands, I’m confined to my home and I’ve accomplished nothing in 3 months, unless you count watching all of “Avatar” as an accomplishment (it’s so fucking long). If I wasn’t sick my life would be fine, but then again, if I had invented Facebook, I’d be the inventor of Facebook. So there you go. The end is nigh and I don’t have the energy to fight it because I’ve been busy drinking Ensure protein shakes for sustenance. I’ll need some medical help to get better, but I’ll need a miracle if I’m going to ascend back up the LCS. Luckily the next apocalypse isn’t for 4 months, so I’ve got time. Watch your backs, other competitors. It’s not over til it’s over.
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